Decisons, Decisions: LeBron James Versus History's Greatest

He is the King, the Chosen One, and now, LeBron James brings us -- what else -- the Decision.

When James reveals to society at large his plans for next season, one city will shed tears of joy, others tears of agony. We may also see rioting, happy and sad. For most of us, it will mean a tremendous weight has been lifted, a shadow removed from in front of the sun.

And then ... the consequences.

The rings won not won. The franchises left wanting. There's no pretense here; LeBron knows that he's making history. The question is, how do some of mankind's other great moments of truth stack up next to the Decision?

Tom Ziller and myself are here with some answers.

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Share Napoleon Invades Russia

1 out of 5 stars

When Napoleon told his Grande Armée to press eastward toward Moscow in June 1812, he aimed to weaken the only rival still worth his time: imperial Russia. So filled with glory lust and the need for greater and greater plaudits, the general ignored the dire conditions his troops would face marching into a Russian winter. This is Napoleon, son! He ain't no joke, and he won't back down from anybody. Ta' hell with "sensible boundaries" and "well-reasoned risk analysis."

Likewise, LeBron's whole free agent construction has been a push for ultimate continental domination. But you have to imagine LeBron learned from Napoleon's mistakes. Heck, if James were running La Grande Armée, he probably would have sent out "feeler" troops across the Niemen to judge public reaction, just as he did with several free agency plans. LeBron loves a spotlight, but he's too calculating to open himself to carnage. (In other words, Napoleon would have picked the Knicks. LeBron won't.) -- Ziller

"Should I Stay or Should I Go"

3 out of 5 stars

Mick Jones really cuts to the core of LeBron's Decision: "If I go there will be trouble / And if I stay it will be double." LeBron's in a no-win situation. If he leaves Cleveland, he becomes Art Modell 2.0, or at least Benedict Arnold. Leaving Cleveland would be akin to slapping his babysitter, his paperboy, his barber and his high school sweetheart across the face. No one can leave home without, well, causing trouble.

But if he stays -- well, one day is fine, the next is black. If the Cavaliers continue to spin wheels trying to add a co-star -- the city couldn't even recruit Chris Bosh, a supposed "lap dog" -- LeBron may never win a title for Cleveland, breaks not just the hearts of the people of northern Ohio, but his own legacy (which only further damages Cleveland). In other words, leaving Cleveland might be the only thing LeBron can do to save it. -- Ziller

Eve and the Apple

3 out of 5 stars

When God created the world, he made a tree that you weren't supposed to eat from. He also made people, who are powerless to resist suggestions that come from limbless reptiles. So when a giant snake told Eve to sample the forbidden fruit, she did. Thus God expelled her and Adam from the Garden of Eden, where pants were strictly optional, and sent them into present-day Iraq. Some scholars regard this as man's first act of free will and his discovery of knowledge; others, his fall from grace. Either way, it just an apple, and God set them up.

LeBron James, on the other hand, really calls his own shots, and will make or break his legacy tonight. In free agency, the most terrifying, absolute form of freedom shines forth, the kind that gave Camus funny ideas. James should be so lucky as to be able to fall back on a David Stern conspiracy. -- Shoals

Secession

0 out of 5 stars

Secession was all about preserving the status quo, about fear of a new national order in which one couldn't reap mammoth profits by treating other Americans like property. Secessionist Southerners saw in emancipation a grand theft of their rights to earn; in retrospect, almost all would agree that was a pretty stupid outlook.

If LeBron leaves Cleveland, he'll likely be forced to take less money. I mean, it's almost as if the Knicks and Heat and Bulls are asking him to give up money and help them win more games. They are trying to dampen his right to earn. The nerve!

But instead of seceding from the NBA, LeBron should learn a lesson from the Civil War and work with the northern aggressors in Secaucus to change the system for future generations of underdog MVP/Global Icons. -- Ziller

"Heroin"

1 out of 5 stars

In 1967, the Velvet Underground recorded "Heroin," a long, noisy song from the perspective of a drug addict. It includes the following pivotal line: "I have made the big decision / I'm gonna try to nullify my life." For everyone keeping score, Lou Reed's protagonist calls shooting dope a decision -- a big one, even -- that's as much about control as pleasure. Compared to either the demonized junkies of that era, or today's view of addiction as a medical condition, "Heroin" is where punk began.

Except we have no idea who this guy is, whether or not it matters much if he wrecks his life. LeBron James has a lot more at stake here, and really, a harder choice to make. The song's anti-hero inspired a generation of professional screw-ups, but really, he should have gotten a job and washed his hair. Then maybe they would have. James, though, has no easy answer, and while "Heroin" offers a perverse win-win, the Decision finds damnation all over the place. -- Shoals

To Be or Not to Be

4 out of 5 stars

Times are tough in stormy Denmark, where the wayward prince has to deal with an evil stepfather and some garden-variety malaise. On top of that, Hamlet has taken to hanging out with skeletons and telling them his feelings. If he isn't Shakespeare's most famous character, he's at least responsible for the Bard's most lasting line. Holding the skull of the deceased court jester, Hamlet wonders "To be or not to be, that is the question." Hamlet doesn't know if he wants to live or die. Or maybe it's just act or remain inert.

Depending on who you ask, he's the first spoiled intellectual brat, or a deep man way ahead of his time. It's a line as confused as it is confusing. LeBron James would scoff at this. He knows what he wants, and just needs a team to help him get there. His critics may see a bit of Hamlet in him, especially around playoff time. But today, this kind of existential thumb-twiddling has no place in this court. After weeks and months of deliberation, calculation, and pitches from all corners of the land, James at least knows that now, action's the only thing that counts. -- Shoals

Blue Pill or Red Pill

2 out of 5 stars

In the first installment of The Matrix, a really awesome trilogy with lots of bad dreadlocks and tailored suits, Keanu Reeves has a problem. Something weird is up in this sci-fi noir town, and he wants to get to the bottom of it. And he does -- well, actually, he meets Laurence Fishburne, who asks him (proverbial) if he can handle the truth. That's the red pill; it will learn you that life is just a lie and really we're all being farmed for essential fluids by robots and their computers.

Take the blue pill, and things go back to normal. You forget it all. Several graduate students will swear that this parable updates Eve and the apple, except here, neither option is so hot. Reality will get you either way. Kind of like LeBron's future, where where he doesn't go will always matter as much as his actual choice, no matter what the outcome. Keanu could alter the destiny of our species; LeBron, that of a pro sports league. Except while the NBA is real, the only people who believe The Matrix would have major problems passing the piss test. -- Shoals

Sophie's Choice

6 out of 5 stars

Sorry LeBron, but there are some things way more serious than your next jersey. I'm sure a few Knicks fans agree with you. -- Shoals