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An academic paper set to be published Wednesday suggests that New York Yankees slugger Lou Gehrig may have been misdiagnosed, and may have suffered from severe brain trauma. A series of concussions by the late ballplayer may have led to his neurological symptoms.While you're in the mood to read some jokes about how a noble baseball hero died, check out this article, which is funnier than anything I could come up with. "Babe Ruth hit a lot of home runs, but had problems with his wife so he never wanted to run home. Ironic? Methinks so." I'm going to go get a bunch of brain trauma and try to write for that site.
The Dugout follows.
The Dugout
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**Online Host** |
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Doctor: Nurse! I'm all out of popsicles, and this is the worst cotton candy I've ever had! |
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Nurse: those are cotton balls |
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Nurse: also I'm pretty sure that's the oldest possible joke about a bad doctor |
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Doctor: It's 1939, people are still laughing at seltzer jokes, nothing funny is old yet. Send in the next patient! /snaps rubber glove |
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Nurse: ok, but don't keep making up stuff just because we don't have science yet |
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Doctor: we have science /smokes entire Chesterfield cigarette in one drag |
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Nurse: /rolls eyes |
| **Online Host** TehIronHorse has entered the chatroom. |
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TehIronHorse: thanks for agreeing to see me on such short notice, doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. |
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Doctor: what seems to be the trouble |
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TehIronHorse: I'm confused all the time, all I want to do is sleep, and my arms are so weak I can't even swing a ball bat |
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Doctor: mm hm. /writes notes onto tongue depressor |
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Doctor: tell me what you've done since monday |
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TehIronHorse: welp, on Monday we played a game. Got hit in the face with a fastball, took my base. Laid down on the ground for a little while, scored by rolling into home plate. |
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Doctor: okay, sounds like a normal day |
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TehIronHorse: then on Tuesday we played a double header. This kid Dimaggio was hopped up on goof balls, lost control of his bat, and it flew back into the dugout. |
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TehIronHorse: caught me right across here /gestures to face with palm of hand |
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Doctor: how'd it go? |
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TehIronHorse: got four hits, vomited for about an hour and a half |
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TehIronHorse: Tuesday night my wife accidentally parked our Dick Tracy style car on the side of my head while I was doing push-ups in the street. |
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Doctor: science does tell us that street exercise is optimal for the stomach bone |
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TehIronHorse: then what... this morning I put a moonshine cork in my ear to keep the brain from leaking out and getting all over my sheepshide uniform. |
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TehIronHorse: and then I came to see you |
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Doctor: hmmm /eats cotton ball |
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Doctor: to get an accurate diagnosis I'd have to run some tests, but I can say with 100% certainty that you have Lou Gehrigs Disease |
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TehIronHorse: o rly |
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Doctor: ya rly. Do you know what that is? |
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TehIronHorse: no, but it sounds like I should |
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Doctor: Lou Gehrigs Disease is a degenerative nerve disease that I just came up with while you were talking. And you have it! |
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TehIronHorse: wow, I should've seen that disease coming, eh doc |
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Nurse: I'm sorry, but I can't just sit in there and listen to this. That is the most obvious joke ever. |
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Doctor: Quiet, you. |
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TehIronHorse: This is depressing. How long do I have? What should I do? |
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Doctor: I'd say you have about, oh, I don't know, two years? |
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Doctor: I say you should go home and write a really humble, touching speech. Because if you don't, and you go out wimpering like a selfish bitch, people are only going to remember your home runs and RBIs and sports accomplishments. |
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Doctor: you're gonna want people to remember how awesome it is that you died. /pats on back |
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TehIronHorse: /wipes away tear |
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Doctor: ok I am seriously crying already |
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Doctor: Nurse! Send in the next patient! /puts head inside old timey x-ray machine |
| **Online Host** ThatBumpHadleyHurt has entered the chatroom. |
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ThatBumpHadleyHurt: DOC! I'm havin' troubles goin' to the John! |
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Doctor: You've got BUMP HADLEYS DISEASE! |
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ThatBumpHadleyHurt: OH SH** |
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Nurse: /facepalm |
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