Opinion: Billionaire Philanthropists Need Our Help

(Aug. 24) -- What is the collective noun for billionaires? A gecko, perhaps? If so, a gecko of 40 American billionaires, led by Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, recently pledged to give away at least half their enormous private fortunes to charity, transforming themselves overnight into a virtue of philanthropists.

However, if New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg (himself worth $17.5 billion) is to be believed, they were motivated as much by the frustrations of excessive wealth as by a desire to acquire a more flattering collective noun. He was quoted as saying "wealth reached a point where billionaires have so much that they simply cannot spend it."

To my way of thinking, they're just not trying hard enough.

Besides, giving it away is all very well and good, but spending it on things you don't need is surely better for the economy. And it's a lot more fun.

Inspired by the example of Chester J. Lampwick (who, you'll remember, was the Simpsons' character who spent his earnings as the creator of Itchy and Scratchy on a rocket car and a solid gold house), I'd like to see if I can help Michael Bloomberg and other billionaires dispose of their fortunes in record time.

They're not allowed to spend it on anyone else -- no presents for friends, family or house guests. And I suppose we shouldn't encourage them to break the law, so no cocaine fountains in every room. But, in general, the more frivolous the purchase, the better.

Assuming they have all the usual billionaire necessities, such as Krug champagne on tap, here are a few other suggestions I offer up in a spirit of philanthropy which I'm sure they'll appreciate:

1. Tile the walls with iPads. Why stop at the walls? How about the floors and the swimming pools (which would be filled with San Pellegrino bottled water, of course)? Utterly impractical, which means they would have to be replaced regularly, adding fantastically to the cost. But think of the jobs created!

2. Take up Demolition Derby racing, using only the world's most expensive cars, such as the Bugatti Veyron, a snip at $1.7 million. Participate in a Demolition Derby once a week, writing off a car each week, and it won't be long before even the richest person will make a significant dent on his fortune. And taking so many cars off the market means putting more back on.

3. How about a floating driving range on a private aircraft carrier? One of the new Gerald R. Ford class supercarriers will wipe out $8.1 billion. I'm sure a lot of shipbuilders and Navy contractors would be delighted.

4. A billionaire must accumulate more than the usual amount of paperwork. How about a $6 billion Large Hadron Collider to store it all? That's the machine that physicists hope will answer the fundamental questions of the universe. But if you switch it off, it's a perfectly safe place for archiving bank statements and letters from the IRS.

5. A holiday in space with Virgin Galactic is advertised at a mere $200,000, so our squanderer is going to have to try harder than that. May I suggest buying a Space Shuttle, at an estimated price of $1.7 billion? And why not throw in a very affordable $4.3 billion Mir Space Station. He'll need a crew to take him up there and keep him company. Good news for out-of-work astronauts.

So, come on, people. Don't give in so easily. If you put your mind to it, you can spend your way out of your unimaginable fortune in no time at all. Which begs the question: Why did you bother amassing it in the first place?

R. N. Morris is the author of a series of historical mysteries set in St. Petersburg, the latest of which is "A Razor Wrapped in Silk." Read his blog on Red Room.