There, that should hit most of the prominent search engine subjects.
Just to be safe: Cam Newton investigation. Porn. Charlie Sheen. Porn. Angelina Jolie. Nude. Breeders Cup. Goats. Renee Ellmers. Remember, Remember The Fifth of November. Nude. Have you seen the new AOL.com? Brett Favre. Cell phone. Jenn Sterger. How did Matt Hughes die? Due Date. Smoking toddler.
Enough nonsense. Sorry for the delay in posting this week's college football picks. I just returned from an all-expense paid trip to the south of France. Some dude named Kenny Rogers picked up the tab. I told him I still had two years of college eligibility remaining so he took care of it.
Now onto my college football picks, found here every Friday. I'm still at 55 percent against the number. Reminder: this is for entertainment purposes only. Before the season I was staked an imaginary $5,000 bankroll. Each pick is for $50, except for the $100 best bets (three of them again this week). Point spreads from Wednesday's USA Today.
Missouri at Texas Tech, Best Bet. After defeating Oklahoma two weeks ago, thousands of fans stormed the field, tore down the goalposts and carried them out of the stadium. Thirty fans were arrested for trespassing, but the school decided not to press charges. Hopefully, Texas Tech officials are as lenient on their fans after the Red Raiders upset the No. 14-ranked Tigers. Texas Tech +4.
Tennessee at Memphis. The second-biggest story on Tennessee TV stations this week was that cheerleaders at Tennessee-Chattanooga were benched for refusing to wear too-skimpy uniforms. The lead story was that Tennessee coach Derek Dooley guaranteed the Vols only would have 11 players on the field at all times Saturday. Tennessee -20.
Maryland at Miami. This game features a coach on the hot seat, struggling fiercely to keep his job, keep his club above .500 and hoping to finish strong so he can return for another year. But enough about Randy Shannon. Maryland +8½.
Louisville at Syracuse. I'm fairly certain at halftime neither band will perform a musical tribute to Steve Kragthorpe or Greg Robinson. Syracuse -6.
Boston College at Wake Forest. ACC football at its finest: Boston College has the league's worst offense, Wake Forest has the league's worst defense. Their non-conference wins were against Presbyterian, Kent State and Weber State. Sounds like both teams would be perfect for the Big East. Boston College -3.
Colorado State at San Diego State, Best Bet. The Rams haven't won a game outside the state of Colorado since 2008. They're not going to end that streak Saturday against the Aztecs. San Diego State -17.
Florida at Vanderbilt. Instead of grabbing his throat and yelling for Florida kicker Chas Henry to choke, Vanderbilt coach Robbie Caldwell stands on the sideline trying to distract Henry by demonstrating how he used to inseminate turkeys. It's not a pretty sight and neither is this matchup. Florida -14½.
UNLV at BYU. After losing at Utah State on Oct. 1, BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall fired defensive coordinator Jaime Hill. According to Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald, Hill "is looking forward to spending more time with his wives." BYU -18.
Hawaii at Boise State. This game will be broadcast in 3D, giving Boise State's critics an extra dimension to complain about the Broncos' weak league schedule. Hawaii +21.
Washington at Oregon. The oddsmakers have listed Oregon as a whopping five-TD favorite against Washington. The only problem is they forgot to indicate for which half. Oregon -35½.
Nebraska at Iowa State. The Big 12 announced that league commissioner Dan Beebe received a three-year contract extension through 2015. I think that's the same deal Titanic captain Edward Smith received after he hit the iceberg. Nebraska -18½.
Texas at Kansas State. News broke Friday that the Longhorns will receive $12 million annually from ESPN to carry the Longhorns new TV network starting in 2011. Just think how much the Longhorns could have received if they actually had a winning record right now. Texas -4.
Arizona at Stanford. On Friday afternoon, the Pac-12 officially announced its 2011 conference schedule. Exactly, one minute after getting the schedule, Washington State fans realized they are already eliminated from winning the 2011 league title. Stanford -9.
Marshall at UAB. Just think: in another five years this could be a matchup with the Big East title on the line. Or the Sun Belt. UAB -9½.
Baylor at Oklahoma State. For the first time ever, the Bears and Cowboys meet with both teams ranked. Now it's become all too obvious – the Pac-10 made the big play for Texas as a decoy so the league could also get Baylor and Oklahoma State, the real Big 12 South powers. Oklahoma State -7½.
New Mexico State at Utah State, Best Bet. New Mexico State's two wins this season have been by a total of four points. The Lobos' six losses have been by a total of about 412 points. Utah State -17½.
"Cover Me's" Trifecta of Terror: This week, "Cover Me" likes Arizona State +5½ at USC; Iowa -17 at Indiana and his best bet is Texas A&M +3½ vs. Oklahoma.
About last night: On my Twitter page Thursday, I took Georgia Tech +12 at Virginia Tech. Virginia Tech only won by seven. Don't you wish you followed my Twitter account?
About two nights ago: On my Twitter page Wednesday, I took Rutgers +10½ at South Florida. USF only won by one. Seriously, why aren't you following me on Twitter?
McMurphy's picks: 9-8
"Cover Me's" picks: 2-1
Bankroll: Up 500 for season; 5,500 balance
McMurphy: 55-45; +400 (5-7 best bets)
"Cover Me": 14-14; +100 (3-1 best bets)
Brett McMurphy is a national college football writer for FanHouse. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or please follow at Twitter.com/BrettmcmurphY