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Jamie Moyer is my girlfriend's favorite baseball player. To put that into perspective for you, she also thinks Professor Philip Zimbardo is awesome.I think we should accept that Moyer will be pitching in the Major Leagues in some form or another long after we're all dead. And by "some form" I mean human, cyborg, whatever. He's about to undergo Tommy John surgery in a bid to make it in the bigs again next season, and given his previous track record, there's no reason to think he'll fail.
Jamie Moyer went to high school in the 1970s. I wasn't even born yet. When I was six, he started pitching in the Majors. Also that year, the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded.
Today's Dugout follows. See you in 15 years when I'm writing this same joke.
The Dugout
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MoyerBodyGirl: so basically the joke you're gonna make is that I'm old, right |
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Doctor: No Jamie, I wouldn't make jokes about this, your health is very serious. |
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Doctor: but I mean I did open up your arm to do Tommy John surgery and bats flew out. Are you sure you aren't the Bicentennial Man? |
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MoyerBodyGirl: I don't know what that is |
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Doctor: It's a movie. Starring Robin Williams? About a corporation that wants to kill a robot for feeling irony? |
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MoyerBodyGirl: I'm sorry, I don't watch a lot of movies. |
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MoyerBodyGirl: the last movie I watched cost a haypenny and involved a man doing a somersault as I turned a crank |
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Doctor: Maybe instead of having this surgery you should just lie down and relax? Have some tea, take a nap? |
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MoyerBodyGirl: No, I have to pitch next season. I'm going to show up at Astros training camp or whatever and earn another roster spot. |
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Doctor: But why? Matlock's on, wouldn't you rather watch Matlock? You love Matlock! |
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MoyerBodyGirl: I do love Matlock. But no, I have to get 300 wins. |
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MoyerBodyGirl: 300 wins guarantees me a spot in the baseball hall of fame, it doesn't matter if it takes me 60 years to win them or that I have over 9,000 losses |
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Doctor: Don't they care about ERA? The highest ERA in the hall is 3.87. |
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MoyerBodyGirl: mine isn't, uh, mine isn't much higher |
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Doctor: I went to college for 14 years, don't make me use Wikipedia. |
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MoyerBodyGirl: uhhh.... /uses abacus |
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MoyerBodyGirl: as of last season my career ERA is IV.XXIV but I think if I pitch next season I can get it down to III.L |
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Doctor: are you directing me to a table of contents, or |
| **Online Host** MoyerBodysGirl has entered the chatroom! |
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MoyerBodysGirl: oooh, sorry to interrupt, I was just... what's all this on the floor? Is something wrong? |
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Doctor: no, everything is fine. I told you husband to turn his head and cough, and a Pompeiian Garden Fresco fell out |
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MoyerBodysGirl: oh |
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MoyerBodysGirl: okay well, honey, I just wanted you to know that I jumped on Twitter to let everybody know you're doing well! |
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MoyerBodyGirl: aw, thanks honeybun you didn't have to do that |
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MoyerBodysGirl: I posted ""We are cautiously optimistic superman will make a comeback!" |
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MoyerBodysGirl: I also posted "Superman will be back and defeating Bruno Mannheim in no time!" on our Facebook group |
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MoyerBodysGirl: Bruno Mannheim in this comparison is the New York Yankees |
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MoyerBodyGirl: well yeah I figured |
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MoyerBodysGirl: anywayz, I'll leave you boys to it! Make sure you're better before World AIDS Day... I signed up to "digitally die!" |
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Doctor: Are you famous enough to do that? |
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MoyerBodysGirl: I don't know, Bronson Pelletier is in the commercials for it and who the hell is that, I've got to at least be as famous as that guy |
| **Online Host** MoyerBodysGirl has left the chatroom. |
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Doctor: Who is Bronson Pelletier? |
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MoyerBodyGirl: no f**king idea |
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Doctor: And Bruno Mannheim? |
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MoyerBodyGirl: Mannheim is one of Metropolis most powerful gangsters, the leader of Intergang. He is also a cannibal. |
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Doctor: Huh. Well, I'm not going to give you Tommy John surgery. You're too old for that. |
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Doctor: I can give you John the Baptist surgery |
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MoyerBodyGirl: come on, I'm old, I get it, this is seriously not funny |
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Doctor: Fine. Wrap this cloth around your head. |
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MoyerBodyGirl: /wraps cloth around head |
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Doctor: Now remove it. |
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MoyerBodyGirl: /removes cloth |
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Doctor: See? /holds up cloth
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MoyerBodyGirl: man |
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MoyerBodyGirl: I really need a haircut |
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