Tom Brady's War on Baldness Should Commence Immediately
Virtually every man who isn't attempting to join an emo rock band has watched Tom Brady flick back his hair like Phoebe Cates climbing out of the pool in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," and doubled over with laughter. Did anyone else find it impossible to keep a straight face when a fired-up Brady went after his linemen on the sideline, hair whipping around his face like a fan was turned on him during the shooting of a romantic comedy?
How did they keep straight faces? Instead of flipping out when he was asked why he was laughing on the sideline Monday night, Derek Anderson should have just said, "We were laughing at Tom Brady's hair."
Everyone would have understood. Even people with soul patches think Tom Brady's hair looks ridiculous. So, it comes as no surprise that the true culprit of Brady's long hair has finally filtered out, he's balding.
And, of course, Brady's supermodel girlfriend is unhappy with this. Men across America can rejoice. Gisele Bundchen married a three-time Super Bowl quarterback who has been called the sexiest man alive and she's not content with his physical appearance. What's worse, Brady is so insecure about his balding pate that he's listening to her. So she's sent him to hair-specialist doctors to examine his baldness. In the meantime, Brady has gone Justin Bieber on us to try and deal with the shame of his diminishing hair. Somewhere, Tony Kornheiser is considering hair extensions. And weeping. The bald brotherhood could have had an addition.
One of my best friends, Justin, was bald before his 20s were out. He's incredibly sensitive about it, always wearing hats. But he has a good sense of humor, too. He pointed out that baldness is the only physical imperfection that it's okay to publicly ridicule.
"The other day I took off my hat," he said, "and this woman just started laughing at me. She pointed at my head and said, 'I had no idea you were so bald, wow.' Then she just laughed at me."
He likes to point out that making fun of bald men is the only socially acceptable criticism in America today, no one cares about the follicularly challenged. No one.
"If I walked up to a fat person, pointed at them, and said, 'Oh, God, you are so fat!' I'd be an ass---," Justin said when I contacted him to find out why the caged bald man cries. "But if someone points out that I'm bald, I'm supposed to laugh. No one knows the pain of a bald man. Except other bald men. We're like sad clowns."
Plainly, Tom Brady is a sad clown in denial. He thinks that if he grows his hair out long enough none of us will recognize his baldness. All Brady is pulling off right now is an early 30s combover. He's fortunate that his hair still works in some areas, but he's not too far removed from turning into your dad's accountant from 1983, the four, long-threaded, combover returns. Somewhere the Hasselbeck brothers are laughing at Tom Brady. The Hasselbecks! How long until Brady resembles Gollum, the sad-stringed "Lord of the Rings" character?
Recall, that Tom Brady is not the first sports superstar to let his vanity change his hairstyle. Remember Michael Jordan? He was going bald too, so he took the radical approach of shaving the rest of his hair off. In the process the move became so cool that he actually forced black men who were still growing hair to shave off their hair to keep up with his coolness.
Think about this fashion move for a moment because it hasn't gotten enough attention. Jordan made other men with hair -- some with ridiculous shaped heads -- voluntarily chose to remove their hair because he made male-pattern baldness a cool trait for black men. The fashion world answered his hair Hail Mary to such an extent that men the world-over changed the way they looked.
What if Jordan had remained balding and not shaved his head? Does he become the cult of cool? He probably costs himself millions if he keeps his hair grown out and it becomes clear that he's balding. Would the sleek Air Jordan logo look so sleek if he'd had a receding hairline afro, the typical move at the time? So Jordan took up arms against his baldness and by embracing his absent follicles, slayed it.
But white men can't pull off the shaved head look. So Brady has taken a cue from Jordan and completely altered his hair lest his follicular mortality -- like Samson -- bring down his endorsement income, ravage his marketability, and lead to even greater ridicule throughout the land.
That's why there's only one appropriate response for Brady: he has to get hair plugs. Has to. What's more, no more slinking around to hair treatment specialists or long hair to hide his issue. Brady should take this as an opportunity to make more money than he ever has before. If Tom Brady acknowledges that he's going bald and seeking treatment for it -- while he'll undoubtedly become the Benedict Arnold of bald men -- he'll also create a huge hair-treatment industry. Remember when Viagra made it socially acceptable to need treatment by signing up men who had reputations for virility and having them acknowledge that they needed some erectile assistance?
Well, Brady could do the same thing for bald men, take the fight out of the long-haired closet. Of course he'd still look like a girlish wuss for fighting baldness -- really, what else does the guy need to be happy? -- but at least he'd be an honest girlish wuss.
And it might keep Gisele from leaving him for Mark Sanchez.
Which you know is going to happen in three years.
God, Mark Sanchez has great hair.
Follow Clay Travis on Twitter here. With All That and a Bag of Mail back on a weekly basis, you can e-mail him questions at Clay.Travis@gmail.com.