Welcome Back, LeBron; Have You Been Gone?

CLEVELAND (Dec. 2) -- The world will be watching tonight when LeBron James returns to Cleveland, the city he deserted this summer with The Decision to play with the Miami Heat. People are waiting for a train wreck. They seem to think we Clevelanders will react badly.

"I hope he's safe," NBA superstar Kevin Durant said, according to The Associated Press. "That's what people are worried about. It's another basketball game."

The New York Times, taking a break from its exhaustive WikiLeaks coverage, reports that the Cleveland Cavaliers and the NBA are ramping up security for the 8 p.m. game. "We've been able to put a plan together to have a safe, positive environment at the game, but we're not going to create a police state," team spokesman Tad Carper told the Times.

A police state? For a basketball game?

Local comedian Mike Conley believes it could be worse than that. "Cleveland officials are out today spray painting select buildings with a big red X," Conley wrote on his Facebook page. "In the event things don't go well, these are the buildings that can be burned down on national television. The mayor's office is calling it a precautionary measure."

Ha. Ha.

I'm not sure why folks are so concerned about our behavior. It's not like ... uh, well, yes, there have been a few past incidents.

Such as:

Ten-Cent Beer Night: This one even has its own Wikipedia page. On June 4, 1974, Cleveland Indians fans got a little soused on cheap suds. And late in the game, one of them ran onto the field and attempted to steal the cap of Texas Rangers outfielder Jeff Burroughs. When Burroughs tripped chasing the fan, cool-headed Texas manager Billy Martin thought his player had been attacked and led his team onto the field, bats in hand. Fans armed with knives and chains (no metal detectors in those days) poured onto the field, causing a riot.

The Dawg Pound: In the 1980s, Cleveland Browns officials had to ban fans from bringing dog food into the games, because the rowdies in dog masks and painted faces were hurling Milk-Bones and other more formidable objects at opposing players. This once prompted Cincinnati Bengals coach Sam Wyche to admonish his fans after a game in Cincinnati had to be stopped on account of bad behavior. "You don't live in Cleveland," Wyche said on the PA system, "you live in Cincinnati."

Belle's Bird: Bad boy Albert Belle angered Cleveland Indians fans when he took his talents to the South Side of Chicago, signing a five-year, $55 million contract with the White Sox after the 1996 season. During his first game back in '97, fans threw so many objects at him when he was in left field that the team, which had sold out tickets for every game, had to close that entire section of seats for the rest of the series. Of course Belle didn't help matters by making a hand gesture to the crowd, apparently signaling that he thought they were No. 1.

Bottle-Toss: In 2001, officials ended the Browns game against Jacksonville early when fans responded to an unfavorable call by hurling thousands of beer bottles, striking the refs and the opposing Jaguars. As an aside, beer will be sold only in plastic cups at tonight's game.

And, of course, there is Art Modell. After he announced in 1995 that he was moving the Browns to Baltimore, the fans responded by ripping out many of the seats during the team's final home game. Modell said this summer that he doesn't think even LeBron can replace him as Public Enemy No. 1 in Cleveland.

"Do I think LeBron James as he leaves Cleveland will become the most hated man in Cleveland, more hated than Art Modell?" Modell told the Lorain (Ohio) Morning-Journal. "Nonsense. Nonsense. I don't think there's any basis for it."

And this, of course, is all nonsense. I'm sure we'll be on our best behavior tonight.

Oh, there may be a few T-shirts. Like the one suggested by a caller to radio host Stan Piatt's show on WNIR-FM in Akron, LeBron's hometown. Imagine pictures of LeBron's new Miami teammates Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh on the front of the shirt, pointing to the message: "We're With Stupid!"

And chants like, "The Chosen One Chose to Run!"

All harmless fun.

In fact, Miami's Wade, also a superstar, is expecting to have a good time in Cleveland.

"As long as you win," he said, according to the AP, "you walk out of there, you smile, we get the chicken wings that they have at the arena -- they got some of the best chicken wings, I know you all know about them, that the NBA has."

See, Cleveland isn't such a bad place. We've got great wings. Let's hope none of them get broken.

Stuart Warner, an AOL contributing editor, was an editor and columnist in Cleveland and Akron for almost 30 years and still lives safely between the two cities.