Sometimes, the proper sentiment should be "No good deed goes unpunished."
Face it: Some people are just hard to buy for, but sometimes it helps when the gifts are as weird as the recipients.
To that end, AOL News has traveled to the far edges of the earth looking for those gifts to get when you don't know what to get.
For People Who Still Find Dilbert Funny
Is there a person in your life whose idea of fun is complaining about how you are wasting his valuable time talking to him (or her)?
Well, the perfect gift may be the Blabber Meter, a desk clock that also tallies the dollars spent in long meetings, useless conversations, marital sermons and even never-ending phone calls.
Not only can the time spent be adjusted between $5 and $995, but the clock can also mark time for up to 99 people.
The clock retails for $24.99, so if you set the cost of talking to you really high, it pays for itself the very first time.
Although the gift is presumably for the recipient, it also has value for those who step into a meeting with a person who insists on using this -- it sends the nonverbal message that you're dealing with a jerk.
For People Who Are Bored by Soap but Still Want to Be Clean
There is a certain type of gift that I suppose can be appreciated by the recipient -- if it weren't for the coded message that's being sent.
For instance, there is a product called De Odor Works, an hourglass-shaped hunk of metal that is being marketed as a deodorant alternative made entirely of medical-grade, lightweight stainless steel.
The idea is that it neutralizes body odor through the unique reaction that occurs when ordinary running tap water reacts with the stainless steel.
Apparently, using stainless steel with running water is a recognized method, used for years by chefs to eliminate odor caused by fish, onions and other food, to eliminate the volatile sulfur compounds that cause odor.
I've tried using this for the past week and, according to my wife, there has been no change in my odor. Although the $19.95 De Odor Works is marketed as all natural, reusable and simple to use in the shower as part of a daily hygiene routine, it's the sort of thing that, if you receive it as a gift, makes you feel a little, well, dirty.
For Those Who Are Undead
As anyone with a zombie relative knows, they aren't very good at karaoke.
Some might say it's because their addled brains can't remember song lyrics, but I think it's because most popular music is too human-centric for them.
Author Michael P. Spradlin is hoping to bridge that gap with "Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime: A Book of Zombie Love Songs" (Harper Collins), which changes the lyrics of songs like "Sweet Caroline."
Yep, as you can imagine, the zombie version of the Neil Diamond classic now goes "Eat Caroline/ Intestines never tasted so good."
As you can imagine, you probably have to be undead and ravenously roaming the world looking for brains to really appreciate this book.
For the Little Ones
My kids are into insects, but, frankly, not as much into toilet humor as I'd like. But I may have found some middle ground in the form of a new book, "Bug Butts," which explains all the incredible things that insects do with their tushies.
For instance, spittle bugs blow bubbles from their butts and hide under them, while some caterpillars shoot their poop far from their bodies to throw poop-searching wasps off their trail.
It's great giving them something that will feed their souls, but sometimes, it's just as important to give them something that will protect them from schoolyard bullies -- such as a backpack with an alarm.
ISafe has introduced a backpack with a built-in security alarm. The bag has a cord under the arm strap that can be pulled to activate the alarm that sounds off louder than a car alarm.
Not to be a downer, but I suspect once word gets around that Junior has an alarm on his pack, it would inspire punks to grab it to see if they can set it off.
On the other hand, the Mad Pax takes a classic security measure originally favored by the stegosaurus in dinosaur times: giant spikes on the back of the pack. Sadly, these spikes are soft and not tipped with poison, otherwise they'd have a truly secure backpack for the little ones.
For Those About to Rock
Bobble-head dolls are usually associated with sports teams wanting to give fans a collectible of their favorite player before he gets indicted or shipped off to a different team -- or both.
But Aggronautix is rocking the bobble-head world at its foundation with Throbbleheads, dolls that are made to honor punk pioneers like G.G. Allin, Milo of the Descendants and Plasmatics lead singer Wendy O. Williams.
It's a great way to introduce my kids to great punk musicians like Andrew W.K., Tesco Vee of the Meatmen and Joe "S---head" Keithley.
Meanwhile, folks who prefer to make their own music might want to pick up Mix Stix, which are serving spoons that double as drumsticks.
Perfect for people who like to play with their food.
And for those who want to explore the percussive possibilities of kung pao chicken, there are Beat It! Drumstick Chopsticks, which allow people to turn any piece of sushi into a drum.
For People Who Love Gadgets They Think They Have to Have (but Really Don't)
Christmas is a perfect time to buy a gadget that seems really cool at first glance before practical thoughts come to your head. There are two such gadgets that fit the bill for me. One is the Egg and Muffin Toaster made by Back to Basics.
This $45 device toasts bread, cooks eggs and can heat precooked meat all in one product. For people who leave Egg McMuffin wrappers around the office, this could be the answer they've been seeking. Too bad the device is much harder to clean than a simple pan for frying an egg.
Yes, this is one of those devices that sounds like a must-buy, but will probably just end up in the cupboard.
Ditto for the Smart Planet Original Corn Dog Maker, which bakes batter-covered stick creations like corn dogs, Snickers-on-a-stick and pizza-on-a-drumstick-shaped-chopstick eight at a time.
It sounds like a great gift -- especially to that morbidly obese person in your life -- and anyone would say "Cool!" when opening it up.
Truth is, this costs $25 and you have to like corn dogs an awful lot to want to make them eight at a time.
Also, corn dogs are a convenience food -- something that tastes better when someone else has sweated over it (as long as they don't sweat in it).
For That Hard-to-Shop-For Gangsta Thug
If you're like me, you know how hard it is to shop for relatives who are hardened criminals. After all, if they don't like the gift, there is a chance they will bring up the matter to your face rather than quietly exchanging it at Target.
Luckily, I was able to find two great gift ideas from ThePhagShop.com: One is a cheese grater that looks like a classic getaway car and the other is a mold in the shape of a gun.
Nothing says I enjoy celebrating my right to bear arms than an egg scrambled in the shape of a smoking Smith & Wesson.
And there is not a gangster moll alive who won't appreciate the jewelry made by Bullet Designs. That's because they are recycled from fired bullets, including necklaces, earrings and bracelets.
For Those Who Get Their Theology From TV Christmas Specials Featuring Puppets
It's What Would Jesus Wear? -- a magnetic dress-up set that features a Jesus of Nazareth magnet and a full wardrobe assortment with outfits appropriate for a sermon on the mount, hip-hop dance class and everything in between.
The $14.50 package is sure to be the answer to somebody's gift-shopping prayers.