Carl Crawford signed with the Boston Red Sox earlier this month, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that the guys at ESPN Boston conducted and put up one of the weirdest and least informative interviews ever.

If you sat me down in a room with Carl Crawford and told me to come up with fifteen questions I probably couldn't do any better. I'd ask him if it is good or not to be a baseball player and if he likes playing baseball. But that's why I do a stupid comic on the Internet instead of putting "journalist" under my name in capital letters. With questions like "which base is hardest to steal," it makes me wonder if maybe I DID give this interview. Carl, what is your favorite color?

And then for absolutely no reason Jacoby Ellsbury gets interviewed as well. I don't know if he was walking by and they didn't want to make him feel bad or what. The hook is that they both run fast. Okay! The hook is that they are both baseball players. Go!

Today's Dugout follows.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the ESPN Boston Chatroom!
	ESPNBoston: hey guys thanks a lot for agreeing to do this interview with ESPN Boston - the worldwide leader in sports that happen in this one town™
	Crawfish: No problem, thanks for talking to me. I definitely want Red Sox fans to get to know me.
	ESPNBoston: cool. cool cool cool
	ESPNBoston: hey so it turns out i have no idea how to write, so instead of interviewing you i'm gonna forward you this facebook survey i got from my aunt linda, 'sat cool
	Crawfish: Sure, I guess. Do you want me to answer the questions honestly?
	ESPNBoston: no, I want you to answer them like the most stereotypically black guy of all time
	ESPNBoston: but not just a black guy, my specific vision of what a black man is, which means you are dumb as a brick and obsessed with the show "Martin"
	Crawfish: Oh. Uh, all right.
	ESPNBoston: and to make you look even blacker I'm gonna co-interview jacoby ellsbury for absolutely no reason say hi, jacoby
	EllsburyDoughboy: Hey. You want me to be black, too? I can do it, watch! A rip rap rippitty dooooo!
	ESPNBoston: no, i want you to be the most boring twentysomething white guy imaginable
	ESPNBoston: my specific vision of today's white youth, which means you are dumb as a brick, have never done anything with your life and have no idea what i'm asking or talking about
	EllsburyDoughboy: um
	ESPNBoston: perfect. remember, this is a real interview for internet! first question, where are you from
	Crawfish: inner city houston, so black they call it "inner"
	EllsburyDoughboy: the dead center of oregon
	ESPNBoston: how many tattoos do you have
	Crawfish: 8. my favorite is this girl starkisha name i got on my neck in cursive. whoop forgot i had a son the zodiac sign i got for his berf is best
	EllsburyDoughboy: none. heh, I don't really get that whole thing...
	ESPNBoston: favorite show growing up
	Crawfish: martin
	EllsburyDoughboy: I didn't really watch alot of tv growing up so I might have trouble answering that, hmmm, who knows...
	ESPNBoston: first crush (this is a real interview)
	Crawfish: gina from martin
	EllsburyDoughboy: meh. never really got into the whole "celebrity crush" thing...
	ESPNBoston: favorite video game
	Crawfish: madden
	EllsburyDoughboy: princess tomato in the salad kingdom, wait, no, what is the whitest game i can think of halo 2
	EllsburyDoughboy: no, halo 1
	ESPNBoston: favorite video game. sorry, thing you listen to most on your ipod
	Crawfish: the theme song to martin followed by lil wayne
	EllsburyDoughboy: minus the bear, nonstop all day long
	ESPNBoston: last book you read
	EllsburyDoughboy: haven't actually read a book in my entire life
	Crawfish: what the f**k a book
	ESPNBoston: jk. ideal date night
	Crawfish: i got to name the bitch??? invite her over for dranks, talk about whom are our favorite characters from martin (mine brotha man, hers shanaynay), settlin in for a long winters nap then rape over breakfast
	EllsburyDoughboy: not doin' much, stayin in, maybe relaxing before coming home and relaxing even further... getting in a little uno before she lapses into a coma
	ESPNBoston: sorry guys runnin out of room on wordpad, gotta wrap this up with a small amount of baseball
	ESPNBoston: so, do you guys ever talk
	EllsburyDoughboy: sure, we talk whenever we play each other. we joke around with each other.
	Crawfish: no
	ESPNBoston: you all have stolen home base before... which one stole the base batter? better
	Crawfish: he stoled home plate against andy pettitte on baseball night in america against the yankees. i stoled mine against the red sox. also, i would have to say both were equally as good as each other
	EllsburyDoughboy: he stole home? pfft, okay, sure
	ESPNBoston: it was against you. you were standing there watching him, i have it pulled up on youtube
	EllsburyDoughboy: whatever
	ESPNBoston: in the other tab i'm playing slingo
	ESPNBoston: last question what is your deepest secret
	EllsburyDoughboy: didn't read your question but my secret to stealing is a combination of working hard but also being blessed by Our Lord Jesus Christ with legs
	Crawfish: my secret i can do a backflipp watch
	ESPNBoston: there you have it folks, this is @teengirlinterviewer signing off, the end
	ESPNBoston: click the links below to see a report about how maybe zdeno chara has sent pictures of his member to a woman
	ESPNBoston: goodbye