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Stupid Crime Really Doesn't Pay: 2010's Dumbest Criminals

Dec 28, 2010 – 4:15 PM
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Ben Muessig

Ben Muessig Contributor

Who knew people with criminal minds could be so simple-minded?

It's been a banner year for boneheaded crooks, from bungling bad guys getting beaten down with butternut squashes to reckless gun owners taking pot shots at the floor while sitting on the toilet.

Without a doubt, 2010 witnessed plenty of stupid crimes committed by stupid criminals. Here are the dumbest of the dumb:

Not-So-Great Escapes

If you're trying to outrun police, you should pick a vehicle that's fast and inconspicuous. In other words, anything but a ride-on lawnmower. That sage advice didn't keep Florida stolen property suspect Charles McDaniel from hopping on his grass cutter and making a run for it at a max speed of about 8 mph. To the surprise of no one, he was arrested not far from his home.

Related Incidents:
Amish Teen Arrested After Leading Police on Low-Speed Horse and Buggy Chase

The Art of Disguise
Police say Gregory Liascos wore this ghillie suit when he attempted to break into a museum in Oregon.
Washington County Sheriff's Office / AP
That camouflage doesn't work so well in the police station, does it? Law enforcement officials believe Oregon resident Gregory Liascos put on this "ghillie suit" and attempted to break in to a rock and mineral museum outside Portland. After setting off alarms, the suspect allegedly fled to a nearby wooded area. Officers only found Liascos when a police dog bit what appeared to be a patch of grass -- and the foliage yelped in pain.

Gregory Liascos might have been an invisible man, but he still had an ill-conceived plan. According to police in Oregon, the 36-year-old suspect wore an elaborate camouflaged "ghillie suit" before attempting to break through the wall of a rock and mineral museum over the course of several nights in October. Museum staff alerted police after spotting a half-chiseled hole that the Moss Man had allegedly carved into a bathroom wall, and though his grassy outfit was hard to spot, police dogs had no trouble sniffing out the suspect.

Related Incidents:
Teen Dressed as Breathalyzer Arrested on Drunk Driving Charge
Cops Arrest 'Spider-Man,' 'Captain America' and 'Poison Ivy' for Superhero Brawl

Body of Evidence

In a year when invasive searches and "enhanced pat-downs" became household terms, it's no wonder that criminal suspects went to great lengths to conceal contraband. But no one found a more bizarre stash spot than Elizabeth Athenia Progris, who allegedly tried to hide prescription pills on -- no, in -- her person. The Florida woman was already in jail for probation violation when guards say they saw a baggie of drugs fall "from her genital area to the floor by her feet" while she showered.

Related Incidents:
Police: Shoplifters Hid Clothes, Shoes Under Rolls of Body Fat

Tattoo SNAFUs

Tattoos and body modification are great ways to express your individuality and show your real identity -- just ask police. According to cops, when a criminal suspect has a distinctive tattoo, it's almost like he has the words "I'm Me" written right across his forehead. And in some cases, he does. Thanks to an unbelievably recognizable "I'm Me" forehead tattoo, police in Florida had no trouble locking up 19-year-old Joseph Williams in connection with more than a dozen thefts from AT&T stores.

Related Incidents:
North Carolina Cops Nab Suspect Thanks to UNC Face Tattoo
Police: Tattooed and Horned Man Tries to Run Over Landlord in Minivan

False Identities
Police arrested Kristina Ross, 37, on charges of practicing medicine without a license after she allegedly offered breast exams to bar patrons in Boise, Idaho.
Ada County Sheriff's Office
Real doctors conduct breast examinations in their offices. Phony doctors conduct breast examinations in bars. Kristina Ross, 37, has been charged with practicing medicine without a license after she allegedly offered breast exams to bar patrons in Boise, Idaho.

Con artists often assume false identities to take advantage of their victims. So how do you know if you're dealing with a fraud? Perhaps they use a phony-sounding name, like "Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna." Perhaps they work out of a bar, not an office. And perhaps they try to convince you to take your shirt off in a night club for a highly public breast examination. Police in Idaho say transgendered suspect Kristina B. Ross, 37, assumed the false identity of "Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna" and convinced women to let her examine their chests at local watering holes.

Related Incidents:
Adult Claims He's 14 So He Can Play Youth Football
Police: Fake Cop Got Drunk and Pulled People Over for Drunken Driving

Caught Red-Handed

Plenty of crooks have been caught red-handed. Only a few can say they've been caught covered in hot sauce. Police in Tennessee say they locked up a burglary suspect after linking his hot-sauce-stained clothing to the scene of the crime. According to investigators, William Horton broke into a Memphis home, grabbed valuables and fled, but not before shattering a few bottles of hot sauce against a wall -- coating his garments in delicious evidence.

Related Incidents:
Woman Accused of Dumping Mayo on Library Books

Count Drunkula

Bad things happen when you mix "Twilight" and moonshine. Police in Ohio say 21-year-old Andrew Whiteman got drunk, attempted to break into a convenience store, then told cops he was an immortal vampire with a thirst for their blood -- and a hunger for human organs. After allegedly telling cops he could smell their blood from the back seat of their squad car, the suspect reportedly said he wanted to eat a female law enforcement officer's kidney. That request was denied.

Related Incidents:
Cops: 'Vampires' Stab Roommate Who Wouldn't Let Them Suck His Blood

The Naked Truth

There are criminals who ride by the seat of their pants, and there are criminals who ride with no pants at all. Cops in Louisiana arrested Jennifer Gille after the 29-year-old allegedly got naked and stole a taxi when the cabbie refused to bring her to Michigan.

Related Incidents:
Cops: Resident of Naked Creek Road Arrested Naked

A Crime Against Fashion
Police say Kenneth Bonds shot a 17-year-old because the youth was sagging his pants.
Shelby County Sheriff's Office
Cops in Tennessee say they arrested a man who thought he was the fashion police. Kenneth Bonds is accused of shooting a 17-year-old in the buttocks because the teen refused to pull up his sagging pants on Sept. 25.

There's being the fashion police -- and then there's being a fashion vigilante. Cops in Tennessee say Kenneth Bonds got so angry at a teenager's baggy pants that he shot the young man in the buttocks. Bonds, who was charged with two counts of aggravated assault, allegedly fired several shots at the 17-year-old after the victim refused to pull up his sagging trousers and called the accused gunman a "fat ass."

Related Incidents:
Woman Jailed for Wearing Low-Riding Pants to Court

Feel-Good Story

Crime doesn't pay -- but it also doesn't have to be a complete downer. When Florida cops found marijuana in Mark Fiasco's car, it seemed like the party was going to be over for the 23-year-old. But inside a plastic bag in the back of his trunk, officers discovered a bong that Fiasco allegedly told deputies he had lost several years ago and had been looking for desperately. Though Fiasco was charged with possession of a controlled substance and possession with intent to use, he reportedly thanked the officers for cracking the case of the missing pipe.

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