It's been a banner year for boneheaded crooks, from bungling bad guys getting beaten down with butternut squashes to reckless gun owners taking pot shots at the floor while sitting on the toilet.
Without a doubt, 2010 witnessed plenty of stupid crimes committed by stupid criminals. Here are the dumbest of the dumb:
If you're trying to outrun police, you should pick a vehicle that's fast and inconspicuous. In other words, anything but a ride-on lawnmower. That sage advice didn't keep Florida stolen property suspect Charles McDaniel from hopping on his grass cutter and making a run for it at a max speed of about 8 mph. To the surprise of no one, he was arrested not far from his home.
• Amish Teen Arrested After Leading Police on Low-Speed Horse and Buggy Chase
The Art of Disguise
Gregory Liascos might have been an invisible man, but he still had an ill-conceived plan. According to police in Oregon, the 36-year-old suspect wore an elaborate camouflaged "ghillie suit" before attempting to break through the wall of a rock and mineral museum over the course of several nights in October. Museum staff alerted police after spotting a half-chiseled hole that the Moss Man had allegedly carved into a bathroom wall, and though his grassy outfit was hard to spot, police dogs had no trouble sniffing out the suspect.
• Teen Dressed as Breathalyzer Arrested on Drunk Driving Charge
• Cops Arrest 'Spider-Man,' 'Captain America' and 'Poison Ivy' for Superhero Brawl
Body of Evidence
In a year when invasive searches and "enhanced pat-downs" became household terms, it's no wonder that criminal suspects went to great lengths to conceal contraband. But no one found a more bizarre stash spot than Elizabeth Athenia Progris, who allegedly tried to hide prescription pills on -- no, in -- her person. The Florida woman was already in jail for probation violation when guards say they saw a baggie of drugs fall "from her genital area to the floor by her feet" while she showered.
• Police: Shoplifters Hid Clothes, Shoes Under Rolls of Body Fat
Tattoos and body modification are great ways to express your individuality and show your real identity -- just ask police. According to cops, when a criminal suspect has a distinctive tattoo, it's almost like he has the words "I'm Me" written right across his forehead. And in some cases, he does. Thanks to an unbelievably recognizable "I'm Me" forehead tattoo, police in Florida had no trouble locking up 19-year-old Joseph Williams in connection with more than a dozen thefts from AT&T stores.
• North Carolina Cops Nab Suspect Thanks to UNC Face Tattoo
• Police: Tattooed and Horned Man Tries to Run Over Landlord in Minivan
Con artists often assume false identities to take advantage of their victims. So how do you know if you're dealing with a fraud? Perhaps they use a phony-sounding name, like "Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna." Perhaps they work out of a bar, not an office. And perhaps they try to convince you to take your shirt off in a night club for a highly public breast examination. Police in Idaho say transgendered suspect Kristina B. Ross, 37, assumed the false identity of "Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna" and convinced women to let her examine their chests at local watering holes.
• Adult Claims He's 14 So He Can Play Youth Football
• Police: Fake Cop Got Drunk and Pulled People Over for Drunken Driving
Plenty of crooks have been caught red-handed. Only a few can say they've been caught covered in hot sauce. Police in Tennessee say they locked up a burglary suspect after linking his hot-sauce-stained clothing to the scene of the crime. According to investigators, William Horton broke into a Memphis home, grabbed valuables and fled, but not before shattering a few bottles of hot sauce against a wall -- coating his garments in delicious evidence.
• Woman Accused of Dumping Mayo on Library Books
Bad things happen when you mix "Twilight" and moonshine. Police in Ohio say 21-year-old Andrew Whiteman got drunk, attempted to break into a convenience store, then told cops he was an immortal vampire with a thirst for their blood -- and a hunger for human organs. After allegedly telling cops he could smell their blood from the back seat of their squad car, the suspect reportedly said he wanted to eat a female law enforcement officer's kidney. That request was denied.
• Cops: 'Vampires' Stab Roommate Who Wouldn't Let Them Suck His Blood
The Naked Truth
There are criminals who ride by the seat of their pants, and there are criminals who ride with no pants at all. Cops in Louisiana arrested Jennifer Gille after the 29-year-old allegedly got naked and stole a taxi when the cabbie refused to bring her to Michigan.
• Cops: Resident of Naked Creek Road Arrested Naked
A Crime Against Fashion
There's being the fashion police -- and then there's being a fashion vigilante. Cops in Tennessee say Kenneth Bonds got so angry at a teenager's baggy pants that he shot the young man in the buttocks. Bonds, who was charged with two counts of aggravated assault, allegedly fired several shots at the 17-year-old after the victim refused to pull up his sagging trousers and called the accused gunman a "fat ass."
• Woman Jailed for Wearing Low-Riding Pants to Court
Crime doesn't pay -- but it also doesn't have to be a complete downer. When Florida cops found marijuana in Mark Fiasco's car, it seemed like the party was going to be over for the 23-year-old. But inside a plastic bag in the back of his trunk, officers discovered a bong that Fiasco allegedly told deputies he had lost several years ago and had been looking for desperately. Though Fiasco was charged with possession of a controlled substance and possession with intent to use, he reportedly thanked the officers for cracking the case of the missing pipe.
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