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On January 21st, The Score will be holding a celebrity roast of Ozzie Guillen. The event was going to be held by The Donruss, but something fell through. It will be a night you won't forget as Ozzie's closest friends, frenemies, enefriends and friendenenemies gather to raise their glasses and insult Ozzie for a couple of hours because I guess that is something fun and funny to do.Warning: Tonight's Dugout is not funny. You can't take a roast concept and make it funny. It used to be funny, when Dean Martin and those guys who were actually close friends would get together and get drunk and give each other sh**, but that's not what happens now. Now Comedy Central throws twenty bucks at Kid Rock and then rounds up every out of work New York comedian they can find to curse at him while Uncle Kracker claps from the crowd.
Tonight's Dugout follows.
The Dugout
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**Online Host** |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: /smirks while sitting in an oversized throne |
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DiPaoloGarbage: Good evening everybody, thanks and welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Ozzie Guillen, I'm your roastmaster Nick DiPaolo. |
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DiPaoloGarbage: you've never heard of me and I was chosen because I have absolutely no relationship with or connection to Ozzie Guillen or the White sox whatsoever |
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DiPaoloGarbage: what is there to say about Ozzie Guillen other than that he sucks and nobody can understand him |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: /laughs all crazy |
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DiPaoloGarbage: seriously though Ozzie, I hate you and I hope you die in a fire. |
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DiPaoloGarbage: but no you're a good sport and a wonderful man. Here to talk about Ozzie Guillen is his close personal friend Greg Giraldo |
| **Online Host** Greg Giraldo has entered the chatroom. |
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GiraldoRivera: hi everyone my name is greg giraldo, i've been dead since september and nobody noticed |
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GiraldoRivera: nick dipaolo, thanks for that introduction, thanks for not f**king your boyfriend in the ass and having aids long enough to introduce me |
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GiraldoRivera: lisa lampanelli is here, lisa you are a fat ugly interracial sex loving whore |
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ILoveLamp: /makes an ugly face |
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GiraldoRivera: larry the cable guy is here, larry you are rich and famous for the catch phrase "git r dunn." |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: /nods |
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GiraldoRivera: wanted to let you know i took your advice and got something dunn, and the "r" was raping your children |
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GiraldoRivera: sinbad the comedian is here, sinbad you are black and bad at comedy |
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GiraldoRivera: and finally we have the guest of honor, boston red sox coach ozzie guillen |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: /smiles, cause he knows he's 'bout to get it!!! |
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GiraldoRivera: ozzie from what i gathered by looking up your name in google a few minutes before i came on stage, you are a mexican asshole |
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GiraldoRivera: you're a bad parent and nobody wants to play for you and nobody respects you |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: /slaps thigh |
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GiraldoRivera: a white man would do a better job in your role and would get paid more |
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GiraldoRivera: but no seriously thanks for letting me make fun of you you seem like a cool guy okay bye |
| **Online Host** Greg Giraldo has died again. |
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DiPaoloGarbage: ever wanted to hear one of the bad guys from Fraggle Rock do Sarah Silverman's jokes? Here's Lisa Lampanelli |
| **Online Host** Lisa Lampanelli has entered the chatroom. |
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ILoveLamp: /whips out like thirty sheets of paper because she can't remember five minutes of "you are gay" jokes |
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ILoveLamp: thanks a lot Nick Di Paolo, if you were black I would let you have sex with me! Whoops, forgot you were gay |
| **Online Host** Big laughs |
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ILoveLamp: Greg Giraldo! Your future on this earth is as black as the c**k I put eight feet into my ass that makes the stuff fall out of my butt |
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ILoveLamp: Larry the Cable Guy is here, say hi to everyone |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: /waves at the crowd |
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ILoveLamp: Larry I took one look at your c**k and it made my p***y so black it was like Linday Lohan and the Olsen Twins |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: /makes shocked face |
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DiPaoloGarbage: /puts forehead in hand because he can't believe she just went there |
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ILoveLamp: and speaking of black, comedian Sinbad is here! Sinbad I would have sex with you but you are bad at comedy and black |
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ILoveLamp: and then Ozzie Guillen... Ozzie I'm friends with your son Wonny on the Twitter, and let me tell ya |
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ILoveLamp: you aren't black enough to have sex with me and aren't white enough to properly raise your children! |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: /is tickled pink by this stranger's racist point of view |
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ILoveLamp: baseball sucks and is boring. I'm Lisa Lampanelli goodnight!! |
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ILoveLamp: whoops before I go you also seem like a fairly nice person |
| **Online Host** Lisa Lampanelli has left the chatroom. |
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DiPaoloGarbage: and finally, with the soul sucking power to drag Greg Giraldo back to Hell, here is Larry the Cable Guy |
| **Online Host** Larry the Cable Guy has entered the chatroom. |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: derp derp derp a-rabb derp derp afgannystan derp derp git r dunn |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: /opens his mouth as wide as possible to simulate laughter |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: derp |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: i'm sorry everybody i'm not sure i actually have any jokes here, in 20 years of comedy i've never been called on to tell a joke |
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DiPaoloGarbage: just say the meanest things you can think of, it'll be great |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: a'ight ten. well from what i can tell yer mexican, which means yer lazy and bad |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: yer kinda fat and y'don't have a real job you jes tell people to stuff stuff they already know thur spost to be doin |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: the dead fella says yer a buttwhole, adult miss piggy says yer not good at sexual 'lations an my larry sense says yer an illegal who needs to geeeet out |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: /looks around, sees Sinbad laughing, assumes it's okay |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: i don't know why i'm here an i hate ya, bring back terry bevington, derp derp derp don't ask don't tell don't hump m'rear |
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LarryTheInternetGuy: just jokes |
| **Online Host** Larry The Cable Guy has left the chatroom. |
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DiPaoloGarbage: that's everyone. I guess you don't have any friends or co-workers. We can bring out Jeffrey Ross if you want some more jokes |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: no thas okay |
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DiPaoloGarbage: now it's time for the man of the hour, Lord Jabu Jabu himself Ozzie Guillen |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: ahem /pulls out notecards |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: i woul like to start off by saying - /has face obscured by screen-sized animated advertisement for new episodes of Ugly Americans |
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