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The Dugout: Somebody Signed Kyle Farnsworth Already

Jan 13, 2011 – 7:14 PM
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Brandon Stroud

Brandon Stroud %BloggerTitle%

The Rays continue to piece together a mostly new bullpen, reportedly agreeing to terms on a deal with free agent Kyle Farnsworth.

The good news is that Big Country gets to stay in the Major Leagues for at least another season, and I get another year of barely baseball-related tangential storytelling. The bad news is that if the Rays wanted help in the bullpen, they signed Kyle Farnsworth for 2011.

Trust me, the original version of this was about four times longer and involved a conversation where we find out Jacksonville doesn't have a baseball team because it "smells like Sable's vagina." It does, but I didn't think you needed to know that.

Today's Dugout follows. Three cheers for Tampa!

The Dugout

**Online Host**
Welcome to the Tampa Bay Rays Chatroom!

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no srsly where did you get them
Maddon10: I don't know, LensCrafters?
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ill have to get them to lenscraft me a pare of those bad boys you look like a supporting john from the hit amc serial "the mad men"
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: who is your favirote character on that show, mine, probably, is don madman
Maddon10: I don't know, Peggy?
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: peggy which one is peggy
Maddon10: How do you watch Mad Men and not know who Peggy is?
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is peggy the enormus sheamus looken lady in the janet reno dresses because if she is peggy is my favirote too
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: this old bare would need a inuit guide to transverse that broads midsection
Maddon10: Anyway, changing the subject, do you want to pitch for us? For whatever possible reason we're looking for somebody like you.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you have a baseball team
Maddon10: ...yes? I'm Joe Maddon, I manage the Rays.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh shti i thought you was susan stop the insanity powder
Maddon10: who?
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the stop the insanity lady, the lady who wants you to cease the insanity of which you are in control or the motivating factor in
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: she asks you to stop having insanity, the lady who does that is who i thought you were

Maddon10: No, I get it.

Well let's see, you're terrible, so I figure we can only pay you 3 1/4 million dollars and make you the fourth highest paid player on the team.

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: can you get me a pair a specs like that
Maddon10: Are you f**king with me with the glasses? I could give you these, but then I'd be blind.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: deal
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: your a baseball manager you dont need to be able to see you just scratch your ass and get blamed when we truck it up
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wear do you play
Maddon10: A cardboard fruit warehouse from twenty years ago.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: o ya tropicana field i been there
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: so whats there to do for fun in tamper bay
Maddon10: You can go clubbing. Ybor City is great if you aren't a sociopathic thirtysomething redneck hunter.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: then y bor me by telling me about it
Maddon10: no it actually used to be pretty cool, Ybor used to be a great for getting f**ked up with weird people and listening to industrial music. Now the place is mostly Juggalos.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what is a juggalo
Maddon10: Let me think for a second.
Maddon10: Oh, he gets butt naked and then walks through the streets, winking at freaks with a two-liter stuck in his butt cheeks.

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: do what

no seriously what is a juggalo

BrignacPaddywhack: Well, he ain't a phoney. He'll walk up and bust a nut in your macaroni!
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is this some kind of vodville routine for poor ass caucasions what is a juggalo
WhatPriceGlory: A Hulkamaniac. Powerbombs motherf**kers into thumbtacks! People like him, 'til they find out he's unstable.
WhatPriceGlory: He Sabu'd your mama through a coffee table.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: finally somebody puts it in terms i can understand
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