The Week in Weird (Sex Doll Rescue Edition)

Have you ever used an inflatable sex toy as a lifesaving flotation device? Or worn a cologne that smelled like money? Or tried to put out a house fire by shooting a gun at it? Find out who has in this week's Weird News roundup.

If you think you're really smart, you can jump ahead and take the Fark Weird News Quiz without this little recap. If not, let's get started.

In the event of a water hazard, you may use your marital aid as a flotation device

The severe storms in Australia and the subsequent flooding in Brisbane have captured the attention of people from around the world. Australia is no stranger to storms, but this one is the worst they've seen in 100 years. Residents of flooded areas have taken scary photos of the devastation as well as quite a bit of video, including this Toowoomba flood dragging a parking lot full of cars downriver. Pretty biblical stuff.

So the world has been watching, which makes it even more embarrassing for the two Australian teenagers who were rescued from floodwaters while clinging to an inflatable sex doll near Melbourne. The young man and woman were attempting to float downriver on the sex toy, but the woman had to be rescued by a kayaker when she wasn't able to maintain her position on the pornographic life raft. The man, of course, showed remarkable agility in remaining on top of it. Rescuers managed to save both victims, wrapping the woman in a blanket and giving the man a cigarette and a TV remote.

And forgive us our trespasses. Everyone else gets a stern warning from a deputy.

In Florida, one woman found herself in a bizarre situation when she went from being a happy member of her church to a bit of an outlaw in a matter of minutes. While attending a Jan. 14 Mass, she and her daughter went up to take Holy Communion. But the priest refused to give the Eucharist to either of them. When the woman appeared surprised, the priest told her he would explain it after Mass. Annoyed, the woman decided not to wait for the priest's explanation and left with her daughter.

She didn't make it far before she was pulled over by a deputy who had been asked by the priest to stop her for trespassing.

As it turns out, a parishioner claimed to have seen the woman's daughter discard the previous week's communion wafer on the ground in the parking lot. And while littering may be a venial sin, littering with the sacred body of the savior was too much for the priest to take, so he asked the police to stop the woman.

Baffled, she felt pretty insulted by the whole bizarre incident, particularly since she denied that her daughter ever discarded the Body of the Redeemer in the first place, and secondly, because getting the police involved was a bit over the top, especially since she was already off the church property when she was pulled over. Since no citation was issued, there will not be a monetary penalty, although 15 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers should just about cover it.

How to smell like a million bucks. Literally.

Some people just look rich. From their sleek European sedan to their soft calf-leather loafers, everything about their image just says wealth. And wealth has always been viewed as a pretty potent aphrodisiac.

One man wants to put this to the test. Former Microsoft sales VP Patrick McCarthy has designed a fragrance that smells like currency.

The fragrance he created is called "Money," and McCarthy sought the help of a veteran of the fragrance industry to help him identify the fundamental smell of currency. The base of the fragrance is reverse-engineered from the scent of cash into a woody-smelling solvent, with additional notes of citrus, rosemary and the ocean for the men's cologne, and notes of grapefruit, Hawaiian wedding flowers and a bit of melon for the women's perfume.

The fragrances are available online and are packed in roughly $500 worth of shredded money, which is good news for someone with an eye for detail and a lot of Scotch Tape. McCarthy believes that having that money smell will give people more confidence, which is really crucial to those of us still driving a 1973 Ford Pinto.

And the award for most pointless exercise of Second Amendment rights goes to...

From a young age, most of us were taught that fire is dangerous and instructed in some basic fire precaution methods. Check the top of a door for heat. If something you're wearing catches fire, stop, drop and roll. Don't use water on a grease fire. You know, basic fire protection information. It was drummed into us early because it's good information to know and could save our lives.

So you can imagine how firefighters felt when they arrived at a house fire in North Knoxville, Tenn., but couldn't get to it because the homeowner was already busy battling the blaze in his own unique way. While firefighters tried to get to the crackling flames engulfing the man's house, they were kept at bay for safety. Why? The homeowner was trying to extinguish his house fire by shooting a gun at it.

You read that correctly. The man was agitated and was screaming at the fire while shooting at it with his semiautomatic handgun. One neighbor said she wasn't initially alerted to the emergency by the smoke but by the sound of gunshots as the homeowner stood in his front yard, screaming obscenities and firing bullets into his house. The neighbor called 911 after noticing that the man's house appeared to be on fire.

The police finally had to restrain and handcuff the homeowner to get him to stop shooting at the house so the firefighters could work on putting out the blaze without the additional concern of hot-lead poisoning.

The police note that this isn't the first time they've been introduced to the homeowner's "any problem can be solved with a gun" philosophy, as his brother had to wrestle his rifle away from him in 2004 when he attempted to shoot himself in the chest to resolve chest pains.

That old saying was right: When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

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