The Week in Weird (Sex Toy Assault Edition)

Did last week feel weird to you? No? Because over here, we ran out of room before we could summarize all of it. So far we have flaming zombies, a woman allegedly attacking a police officer with a sex toy, a wheelchair that really captures the spirit of the urban assault vehicle and America's next hybrid sport: Knokkers.

If you think you're ready, you can jump ahead to Fark.com and take the Fark Weird News Quiz without this little recap. If not, let's get started.

Dildon't Even Think About It, Lady

For one Illinois woman, the night started out so promising: dinner, an escort home, a man in her bedroom, some wrestling, handcuffs and then ... jail? Wait, back up.

The woman wanted to go out but decided that her purse was just too heavy. So she left it at home, not really realizing that it meant she was also without money until after she was done with a big meal and numerous fine alcoholic beverages.

No problem. She explained to the Joe's Crab Shack manager that she had to run home and get her money and that she'd be right back. A police officer found her lying down on a patch of grass (she said she was having difficulty because of being tipsy and having a broken foot) between the restaurant and her house, and the officer escorted her home so she could get money for the restaurant.

After a few minutes in her house, she said she was rifling through a drawer for money when the officer appeared in her doorway to check on her. She said that his presence startled her and scared her, so she reached for the nearest weapon at hand:

A clear plastic sex toy.

This is where the two accounts begin to diverge. According to the police officer, she attacked him with the "clear, rigid feminine pleasure device." According to the woman, she merely raised the sex toy in a defensive movement. Against what, she did not say. The intoxicated woman was then wrestled down, cuffed and arrested. Police say she could face charges for Assault with a Friendly Weapon.

The Dreaded Scourge of the Flaming Zombies

Everybody has those ideas, those fleeting ideas that maybe, just maybe, that one-in-a-million harebrained idea might just work. Then we think it through a little bit and we realize that the risks involved are too great and we abandon the idea.

For one elderly woman in Ekaterinburg, Russia, a sadly declining mental state robbed her of her full faculties, and her cunning plan didn't work out nearly as well as she had hoped.

It started poorly when her sister passed away last year. Rather than make funeral arrangements, the woman decided to keep her around, by preserving her in gasoline, taking periodic breaks from the macabre mummification to attempt to revive her sister.

She wasn't having much luck with earlier methods, so she decided to try something different. Taking two live electrical wires -- and I think you already know where this is going -- she attached them to her sister the same way you might jump-start a dead car battery.

As expected, the attempt to reanimate the gasoline-soaked corpse resulted in setting it on fire, creating a disturbing zombie flambé (zombé?) that ended up setting the rest of her house on fire. She survived but had to be treated for burns and smoke inhalation.

If there's an upside, it's that creating a zombie is much harder than we've been led to believe. And this is a good thing.

7-10 Split, Corner Pocket

There's a long tradition in the world of weird sports where people attempt (usually unsuccessfully) to combine different sports to make up a new one. Sure, there have been some exceptions like chessboxing, sepak takraw and (of course) baseketball, but generally the sports end up relegated to Things Bored People Do When Drinking.

But a challenger has emerged. The name of the new sport is Knokkers, and it combines a surprisingly compatible pair of sports: billiards and bowling.

Players walk on a giant pool table, which is really just a 30-foot by 15-foot concrete slab designed to resemble a billiards slate, complete with bumpers and pockets. Players roll balls the size of bowling balls and shoot to knock balls in pockets while marveling at the feeling of being a tiny person on a larger-than-life pool table. In other words, it's awesome.

Since regular bowling balls can't handle the abuse of being knocked against each other regularly, entrepreneur (and cousin of the game's inventor) Sam Sparks created new polyurethane Knokker balls that could handle the higher stress. The game is played just like billiards, with the notable exception of learning to get out of the way of the balls once they're in motion. Sparks has plans to take the unique sport national, hoping to install 1,000 new tables in the next decade.

Kick-starting a new entertainment business in the middle of a difficult economy? You could say it takes a lot of ... well, let's just say courage.

Handicapped Parking Only; Violators Will Be Shot With Mounted Howitzer

Living with a disability is not easy. Most of the world is not designed for people who have to work daily just to keep up. Few complain, though most of us couldn't begrudge them for it if they did.

One disabled British man, Jim Starr, decided he wasn't going to let his disability limit his mobility. If he was going to be confined to a wheelchair, he was going to be in one that allowed him to go wherever he wanted as long as he could fit: a custom wheelchair with tank treads that could go on sand or snow, path or roadway. For a while it was great, but there was only one problem.

According to his country's Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency, technically, his wheelchair was classified as a tank.

The monster wheelchair is 107 centimeters (42.1 inches) wide, which is considerably larger than the maximum width for a mobility scooter, which can't be wider than 85 cm (33.5 inches), and the beast is nearly double the maximum allowed weight of 125 kilograms (275 pounds).

With two young children who like going outdoors and to the beach, Starr said he's still trying to find a solution to allow him to use frankenchair, even if it means covering the top of the tracks for safety. Safety officials are also working with Starr, knowing that adding a fully functioning gun turret could be his next logical step.

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