Clay Matthews Is Head & Shoulders Above Polamalu When it Comes to Hair
I know this because I just showed a picture of both men's hair to my wife and she said, "I have naturally curly hair like Troy Polamalu, but I think he needs to invest in a wide-tooth comb and use a better conditioner. So my vote is for Matthews because it seems to me that he knows how to take care of his hair better. You can't fake that silkiness. You just can't."
There you go. After all, who knows hair better than women? The answer is certainly not men. And the answer is most certainly not this man. Indeed, American women spend more on hair care products than the entire continent of Africa spends on food each year. (I made that up, but it seems like it's probably true).
Ask any woman, whose hair you would rather have and the answer is Matthews -- by a landslide. Polamalu's flowing curls are impressive, just not as photogenic or as well kept. In fact, even Troy Polamalu, a fellow USC grad, would probably confess to being jealous of Matthews' hair if he was being completely honest.
Sure, Polamalu's hair is insured for a million dollars by Head & Shoulders, but that pales in comparison to Heidi Klum's legs being insured for $2 million. And it's blatantly clear even to challenged Steeler fans that Head & Shoulders would insure Matthews' hair for $5 million if it could.
Ultimately, each man is a modern-day Samson, finishing 1-2 in the NFL's defensive MVP vote can't be a coincidence can it? Like Samson, cut the hair and disaster would follow.
Sticking with the ancients' theme, speak too loudly in support of Polamalu's locks -- as my misguided colleague David Whitely has done -- and the Matthews clan, whose family reunion I picture as an outtake from the movie "300," will show up at your home, decapitate you and use your head for a friendly game of football on the edge of a California cliff.
Make one wrong move in that cliff football game and one of the Matthews clan will plunge hundreds of feet to the roaring surf below, sink to the sandy bottom of the Pacific Ocean, emerge with a conch shell featuring the world's largest pearl and whip his hair back and forth in a way that even Willow Smith will envy. (In the event you haven't seen that video neither have I).
It's not just that Matthews, whose USC nickname was Bloodline, is indestructible, it's that his hair is also indestructible.
How many NFL defensive MVP runner-ups have ever had a physical trait that was capable of making women jealous?
Women want his hair and men want to be him, what a combination. As if that encomium wasn't enough, Matthews finished 2010 with 13.5 sacks, an interception returned for a touchdown and a speaking role in the upcoming Broadway production of Rapunzel. (Tom Brady already has his tickets to Rapunzel for the wild-card round of next year's playoffs).
If your wife or girlfriend doesn't regularly watch football, she's going to see Matthews adjusting his hair on Super Bowl Sunday, probably in super slo-mo HD, tap you on the shoulder, and ask, who is that? What she'll be asking is, who is that mountain of a man whose hair looks better than mine? She might also say something like, "He needs to cut his hair." What she'll be leaving off this opinion is the reason that she wants him to cut his hair. Hint, it isn't because the hair doesn't look good. It's because she's ashamed that an NFL player could have better hair than she does.
Women are conniving like this.
Hell, the reason the Green Bay Packers don't have a cheerleading squad? Because none of them can match Matthews in the hair department. Given how tiny Green Bay is, it's possible that Matthews has the best hair in the entire city. (By the way, the reason the Steelers don't have a cheerleading squad is because all the attractive girls from Pittsburgh move to other cities).
Both men have hair endorsement deals, but the companies who have chosen to endorse them are instructive. I use Head & Shoulders, it's the shampoo of men who don't think much about what they put into their hair. I don't know why I use Head & Shoulders, but I've been using it for as long as I can remember. Put a woman in your shower and offer Head & Shoulders to her and she'll wrinkle up her nose. "That?" she'll ask.
Head & Shoulders is the shampoo for men who have never combed their hair more than three times in the morning in their lives. Plainly, Head & Shoulders is not the choice of hair connoisseurs. But Suave? Suave is the kind of shampoo that a woman might be willing to use. It's the kind of shampoo that someone who really cares about their hair uses.
Guess which company picked Polamalu and which picked Matthews?
Suave picked the player with the best hair. And your wife or girlfriend agrees, that's Clay Matthews.
Follow Clay Travis on Twitter here. With All That and a Bag of Mail back on a weekly basis, you can e-mail him questions at Clay.Travis@gmail.com.