How to Handle Valentine's Day When You're Polyamorous

You'd think that a woman who enjoys what she calls "sport sex" wouldn't have trouble finding a Valentine.

But you'd be wrong, both about the woman and her situation.

Angye Fox, 40, runs a successful ad agency in Florida and, yes, she is also a swinger who has sex with different partners without being in love with any of them.

Although she sometimes goes to swing parties with a male friend, she considers herself single.

As such, Valentine's Day is a melancholy time for her.

"It can be lonely," she told AOL News. "Take New Year's Eve, for instance. I do a radio show in Florida called the FoXXXy Forum and we did a live remote at a swing club between 9 p.m. and 11 p.m. After the show was over, my co-host ran with her husband and some friends and I was there by myself with nobody to kiss."

The way Fox sees it, swinging is "sport sex," and separate from the intimacy involved with, say, making love. Although she enjoys it and believes it's a more natural choice than complete sexual monogamy, she also admits she'd like to find someone to share her life with -- and eventually maybe some other sex partners.

"I've been divorced since 2004 and I pray that I will find someone special," she said. "I wouldn't want to swing at first -- I don't recommend people do that until they really get to know each other -- but maybe keep it as an option down the road."

Because Valentine's Day is the day picked to celebrate romance, couples in all types of relationships plan different types of events -- even swingers and polyamorists.

But while monogamous couples might think of going out for a fancy dinner, swingers might use the occasion as a chance to enjoy the company of each other and other partners, according to journalist George Pappas who researched swingers for an erotic novel called "Monogamy Sucks" (Lazy Day Publishing).

"Valentine's Day is not just another date for swingers," Pappas said. "Certain clubs do Valentine's events where they can hook up. But while some swingers do use the day to have parties, it still has the same meaning as the mainstream -- swingers have just expanded their sex life."

On the other hand, there is another sexual subset that handles Valentine's Day in a different way: Polyamorists.

Often confused with swingers, they actually are very different from each other, according to Fox.

"Swingers might hook up with another couple for sex one night and never see each other again," she said. "On the other hand, when polyamorists get involved with other people, it's an emotional attachment and they are involved in each other's lives beyond sex."

One of these polyamorists is Dr. Patti Evans, a mental health therapist and a doctor of oriental medicine in Tampa, Fla. She is also Fox's co-host on their radio show.

Although she is happily married to her husband, the two are involved with another couple and, recently, she started a side relationship with another man.

Since Evans is emotionally attached to all these people, she admits that she and the others are forced to do some calendar juggling around Feb. 12, 13 and 14.

"We're getting together with our 'poly couple' on the 12th, and the 13th will be spent with my paramour and the 14th will be with my husband," Evans recounted. "My slogan is 'Love is limitless, but time is not.'"

Sharing the love and the quality time is all well and good for a polyamorist like Evans, but buying flowers, candy or jewelry for four other people can add up to a lot of cash.

Luckily, in her case, her relationships are built on love, not lucre.

"It's not about the stuff, it's about taking time to show people you appreciate them," she said.

But even that takes work for even the most diligent polyamorist.

Take former polyamorist Joshua Pellicer, who before settling down with the woman of his dreams dated as many as seven women at a time.

"For some reason, I could never get past that number," he said, adding that he was always upfront about his polyamory from the git-go.

He admits that Valentine's Day can be hard on guys who are dating just one women, but says having seven ladies in your life to satisfy can be, well, complicated.

"Women have a stronger emotional connection to Valentine's Day," he told AOL News. "For guys, it's just a day to comply with what's expected. So when you're dating seven women, you have to make seven women feel special."

Pellicer says practicing polyamory is not easy, and wonders how many of the people who claim themselves as "polyamorists" are sincere.

"It seems like a lot of people who do it are just kinky and some guys who say they are just cheating on a lot of women at once," he said.

But Pellicer tried to do right by his women, by being honest -- but also romantic.

"Sometimes, I would make no Valentine's Day plans with any of them. But on the day, swing by and drop off a single rose to each of them, personally," he said.

During Pellicer's polyamorous period, money was often tight, so he had to rely on creative methods to avoid getting flat busted on Valentine's Day.

"To make this work, you have to find out a woman's love language," he said. "There are five styles: Some women need quality time, while others prefer acts of service or words of affirmation while still others respond to touch and others just want gifts.

"The keys is to use this love language, but call it out, like, 'I am busy on Valentine's Day, but I'd like to spend quality time with you on the 13th, or 'In honor of Valentine's Day, I wrote you this poem.'"

Some people might not like the idea of dating a polyamorous person, but it's not necessarily a deal breaker, according to former polyamorist Seif-Eldeine Och.

"I remember dating two women and, sometimes, I would be on a date with one and we'd run into the other," he said. "It only made them pursue me harder."

Still, with sexual freedom comes great responsibility, which is why Och warns potential polyamorists not to plan anything special on Valentine's Day just for the heck of it.

"If you don't have someone you want to be exclusive with, say you're not seeing anyone on Valentine's Day, because otherwise you're sending the signal to them that you want to be more serious," he said.

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