Anyone remember Godzilla vs. Barkley? It was only the most awesome Nike ad campaign of the last thirty years. But if you thought it was a fantasy, you were dead wrong. Charles Barkley was actually commissioned by Japan (back when it had money) to seek out and destroy Godzilla, once and for all -- or at least until they needed him for an American remake. It was like the Hellboy series, only with more nervous owners. In this great spirit, and perhaps in the interest of taking on any future monster problems, we propose the following dream match-ups.
Blake Griffin vs. King Kong: After being captured by Clippers owner Donald Sterling during a slum-building project on Skull Island, King Kong is shipped to Los Angeles for display in the Staples Center to make Sterling an easy buck. He escapes, though, and only marauding forward Blake Griffin can save the city from certain doom. After a long chase, King Kong ascends to the top of the fake skyscraper in Universal Studios' King Kong attraction and plummets to his death. But it's not Griffin who fuels him -- instead, it's his love for Clippers superfan Penny Marshall, whom he bonded with during the long boat ride back from the island. (EF)
Anthony Randolph vs. Mothra: Godzilla's enemy Mothra is one of the most bizarre monsters around, a giant lepidopteran with psychic powers and a poisonous yellow powder. It can exist in many forms, including the larval phase, and may help or harm humans depending on its mood. When it's mad, though, only an equally weird creature can defeat it, which is why Anthony Randolph is the only NBA player capable of saving the planet.
With Mothra terrorizing New York City, Randolph accidentally ingests a liter of toxic waste while playing in Riverside Park and grows to 40 feet tall. Armed with his own poisonous venom (please note that this exists in Randolph naturally and was not added during the toxic waste mishap), Randolph spits into the multiple eyes of Mothra and eats her larval offspring. While doctors initially fear that Randolph will die, it is revealed that his stomach is filled with hot lava and the larvae die instantly. Not everything ends well, though -- in a sad prologue, Mike D'Antoni says he doesn't know what to do with a 40-foot player and consigns Randolph to the bench, thereby blocking the view of half the arena. (EF)
Rajon Rondo and Shaquille O'Neal Meet Frankenstein: Long ago, Abbott and Costello encountered Dr. Frankenstein's monster in film. It was a comic tour de force, one that two of today's Celtics will try to mimic in their new movie. The boisterous Shaq is a barrel of laughs, dishing out disses and quips with no pauses, even in the face of great danger from Frankenstein. Rondo makes a great straight man, though, especially because he speaks no lines of dialogue the whole movie -- his face does all the work. While this situation is mostly played for laughs, there is one moment of scares near the climax, when Frankenstein is chased by an army of irate, drunk Boston Celtics fans carrying torches and pitchforks. Faced with a moment of moral importance, Rondo and Shaq instead run off to Chipotle with Nate Robinson. Even they know not to get on the Bostonians' bad side. (EF)
Chris Kaman vs. The Wolfman: The Wolfman is tricky prey, both because of its fearsome attacks and the fact that it hides in plain sight in its human form. That's why you need the best tracker of all to kill it -- Chris Kaman, accomplished hunter and explosives expert. As the Wolfman terrorizes the upper peninsula of Michigan, Kaman sets traps of C4 at 100-yard intervals along with copious traps, booby and otherwise. While he accidentally kills all indigenous fauna in the process, he eventually snares the Wolfman. Staying up all night to learn the creature's true identity, Kaman eventually nods off and wakes up in the morning to find DeAndre Jordan with his broken leg in the very same trap that had taken the Wolfman the previous night. A thrilled Kaman hopes that now he can reclaim his starting spot, but things don't turn out as planned when he re-injures his ankle while bow-fishing and misses the rest of the season. (EF)
Kevin Garnett vs. Jason: The deadly Jason Voorhees is one of history's greatest monsters, a man (or undead man) so brutal that he even bested Freddy Krueger in the hit film "Freddy vs. Jason." But he has never faced anyone so insane as Kevin Garnett, the permanently scowling forward of the Boston Celtics. One night in a dark alley, Garnett challenges Jason to a contest to see who can hit the most unsuspecting citizens in the crotch when they aren't looking. Confused by the new contest and used to killing, Jason instead hacks off everyone's heads, since that is what mass murderers do. When they reconvene next week to report their totals, Garnett jumps on the technicality and disqualifies Jason from the competition. The man will win at any costs, even if it involves being cheap. (EF)
JaVale McGee vs. Rodan: Rodan is a really big flying dinosaur with a bunch of spikes on its chest, and in some movies, the ability to send wind blasting out of its mouth. Mostly, though, it's a giant flying dinosaur that for some reason only picks on Japan. He's also a favorite tool of aliens using monsters to try to take over the world. If this doesn't scream JaVale McGee to you, you're a total moron.
Here's something else you should know: Rodan once had a lady friend, who died tragically when first the human race made contact with its kind, and it likes to hang out with giant bugs. McGee is the only player in the league whose wingspan can rival Rodan's, and what are the Wizards, if not a bunch of giant bugs still trying to get over the departure of Gilbert Arenas? Luckily, McGee will save us all, because there has to be some reason God gave one man such a strange combination of length, height, and lift. (BS)
James Posey vs. Dracula: Dracula is a million years old, drinks blood, and can turn into a bat. Posey was once considered a key to a championship puzzle -- he won two, even setting an archetype of sorts -- before the Hornets overpaid for him and he became one of the NBA's great undead vets, kept alive by money, but more or less retired and irrelevant. Something tells me that fighting Dracula can fix all that. Posey journeys to Dracula's castle, since he hears that Dracula is interested in signing him to another inflated deal. Dracula tries to suck his blood, but Posey hits a corner three and plays lockdown defense on Dracula once Dracula is a bat. Who wins? That depends on whether or not you believe in the finer things in life. (BS)
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde vs. J.R. Smith: Jekyll is not a big fan of Hyde, even if Hyde represents the repressed desires that this man of science -- and indeed, any modern man -- must struggle to keep under wraps. This means there is some hope for Jekyll to regain his sanity, and keep from ever being given over fully to this monster of his own creation. However, this makes him especially vulnerable to Smith, who is nuts all the time. Also, Smith will be eternally jealous of the fact that Jekyll has a super-ego into which he can retreat. So expect a total ass-kicking. (BS)
The Cleveland Cavaliers vs. a Haunted House: Properly speaking, a haunted house is a house taken over by one spirit, or a bunch of them that have something in common. They must all be so happy, until those darn humans comes along and mix things up. The Cavs could totally hang out in a haunted house for as long as they please, because they have lost the will to survive, and are thus impervious to the awful, evil things that spirits do. Plus they are so totally traumatized, they probably wouldn't notice anyway. They have seen things that ghosts can only begin to imagine; anything that these awful being throw at them, they can slough off. That's when the ghosts give up and start practicing a piano concerto. (BS)
Glen "Big Baby" Davis vs. Pinhead: Pinhead, the awful being that lives in the Hellraiser series and harnesses the power of all demons, underworlds, and alternate dimensions full of gross stuff, is like Freddy Krueger with a PhD, or a serious role playing game fetish. He's also absolutely terrifying, and disgusting, to look at -- that name, if you were wondering, is literal. Pinhead has a bunch of pins stuck in his head. That main obstacle in trying to defeat this arch-fiend is just being flat-out overwhelmed by how totally messed up and disturbing he, and everything he stands for, is. Give me plain old Satan himself any day of the week! Luckily, there is an antidote, and he just so happens to play in the NBA. Big Baby is all love, good cheer, positive vibes, and determination to make the world a better -- or at least a sillier -- place. If anyone can make Pinhead laugh in a non-demonic way, thus tipping the balance of power forever, it's Big Baby. (BS)