Today in The Works: Love takes on many forms, and in the NBA, these may shock and surprise.
The Heart's Detritus
Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and if you are awesome and live on the edge, you think this holiday is lame, and spent it watching the Spurs and Nets do something erotic to each other. We decided instead to call on our army of super-intelligent ants ... er, our sources ... to scour NBA front offices and locker rooms in search of discarded V-Day cards. We will leave it up to the reader to decide whether these were cast to the ground, or into the waste bucket, out of disgust or from an emotional overload. We are not even sure if they are real, since bugs do lie. That said, sit back and let the love wash over you like never before.
Over the years, I have been very tough on you, calling you mean names and essentially cutting your career off before it had a chance to go. But I want you to know that it's all been part of my campaign of tough love. See, I knew that eventually we would come together and do beautiful things together. We have found in Charlotte, just as it was always meant to be. Do not deny it. We will be together forever.
You are everything I dislike in a basketball player. Next year, if you play a modicum of defense and share the ball, I will buy you a teddy bear that looks like cupid. It's called an incentive, and your contract sadly has very few meaningful ones.
Dear Michael Jordan,
Once, you made our city famous and jumped very high. Now you are fat and we have Derrick Rose. Funny how things happen. Please stop hanging around that statue of yourself, it's scaring away the illegal hot dog vendors and the stray dogs that hunt in packs.
Last summer, I started a campaign of hate against you. It gave our franchise some support at a time we really needed it. Over the last few months, though, I've learned that short-term success can't compete with long-term benefits. I'm sorry for everything I did and hope we can be friends again. Because I really miss the profits that your Fatheads brought me.
I love you. I love you all. Valentine's Day is my favorite day because I love you so much. Sometimes I get confused and say "I love you!" to the players in the not-green jerseys, and not even on Valentine's Day.
Dear Donald Sterling,
See you in hell.
Dear Ovinton J'Anthony,
I know we haven't spoken since we got in that boo-ray fight, but I wanted to reach out and tell you that it's been an honor to be your teammate. No matter what happens in the heat of battle, we wear the same uniform and share a common bond.
P.S. I won the fight and you know it.
Dear Joe Johnson,
Our team was very bad before you came here. Sometimes we forget it, and we like to complain about your contract, but without you, we would be terrible. Thanks for the good times. We hope you leave before we forget who you are.
When I decided to play with two other superstars in Miami, you told me that my reputation would take a hit. And it did, for a second. But through your hard work and our everlasting partnership, I have become the media star I always knew I could become. No one else could have gotten me that Maxim interview, and for that I will always be in your debt.
You always were the pretty one.
Little did you know, I own the patent on the basketball in this state. So have fun playing out the rest of the season with tennis balls ... or no balls at all!
I know I don't always show it, but I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for our franchise since June. You've given many Kings fans hope no matter how many bumps there have been along the way. Our relationship will end soon, don't worry. In the words of Sam Elliott in "Road House," you taught me as much as I ever taught you.
Dear Donnie Walsh,
You helped us turn our team around, but we didn't get LeBron James. You promised us LeBron James! I even told the Mayor! Stupid punk. You and your whiny-ass classical music and Jimmy Rodgers records. Without me, you'd be nothing. I will make you squirm until it's too late and then you can have your job back.
Dear Kobe Bryant,
You are so awesome that when you retire we will blow up the Staples Center, steal the team from the Buss family, and move it to Louisville.
Dear Ed Hardy,
Just you and me, babe.
Dear Extra Underwear During Games,
One day, I will find you.
Dear Kim, Maria, and Beyonce,
In Soviet Russia, chocolates eat you!
I talked to the Kroenkes, and they seem willing to give LaLa here own channel. It won't have the reach of OWN, but we don't think anyone will miss the Fox Reality Channel's old name.
Dear Anthony Randolph,
We will let you join the FBI.
Thank you for that Super Bowl ad about Detroit. Maybe people will remember we exist.
The Entire Pistons Family
When you came to our city in 2006, we thought you'd fit right in with our cosmopolitan personality. And while things haven't always been smooth, particularly because of your inability to realize that people in Canada like hockey and are also rugged, we want you to know that you're still loved. On a day like today, you should know that your tenderness is appreciated.
For years, you have given everything you could to our organization, stopping at nothing to help us win. Even now, as you stand on the brink of potential retirement, you have given your teammates the excuse of looking like plucky underdogs rather than underachievers. Truly, along with Shane Battier, you know how much a man's reputation means.
You are the only person on this team who can see the real me. You are always there for me. When I ask "Do we have a GM?" or "Does Evan Turner really not know how to use a coat with buttons?" you remind me that rookie contracts aren't forever, and all the right people in the league know how good I am. That time Thaddeus Young got stuck in a tree, you told me to leave him alone until he felt like coming down.
Our marriage is not yet officially over and we're sure to have a fierce legal battle ahead, but I want you to know that I care about. Last night, I saw you on the Grammys repping for Justin Bieber. If you need someone to talk to about the dark places you've been, I know plenty of qualified professionals.
Today, people around the world proclaim their love with roses, chocolates, and expensive jewelry. These are all nice gestures, but the greatest love of all can come in the form of a charitable donation. We are all one human organism, not just pairs of lovers.
Who want it?
I've watched you from afar for a long time. Two years ago, I picked you out from the crowd and made you mine. You did not reciprocate my love, but I will never waver. I sit here, thinking about the next time I can visit you in Spain. And I know that eventually you will see that we are meant to be.
Your Secret Admirer
Dear The Works,
I made a three-pointer last night. My friends and I doff our tickers at you!
You came into my life six years ago at a dark time for the Warriors. We hadn't had a star in a long time. Baron Davis brought hope, but he needed sidekicks. And then we found you in the second round, a young boy in need of a home. There have been some bumps along the way. Now, you stand supreme in our hearts. I don't know where I'd be today without you.
Dear JaVale McGee,
Keep up the good work.