Today in The Works: What will happens this weekend?
All-Star Memories, In Advance
Well, here we are. Temporally, that is. While our colleagues descend upon Los Angeles, to feast upon a buffet of players and coaches, and take in some of the biggest events of this NBA season, we're back at our homes. Luckily, we can see the future, so really, we might as well have already gone and come back in time for dinner. Like any other All-Star Weekend, this one will be multi-faceted, unpredictable and have more than its fair share of memorable moments. Here they all are, 12 hours or more in advance of actually happening.
1. Doc Rivers will play his four Celtics together because there are only 12 guys on the team. Via math, it is a statistical probability that four guys at different positions will play at the same time.
2. JaVale McGee will bring out a trampoline for the dunk contest and bounce the ball off it instead of jumping off of it himself.
3. LeBron James will do everything possible to defer during the All-Star Game. He will win the MVP for dishing out 18 assists and be called the kind of loser who only plays well when there's nothing on the line.
4. Gregg Popovich will forget to make substitutions. While doing a crossword puzzle on the bench, Pop will become engrossed in the intricacies of 37-Down and forget that he played Carmelo Anthony for the entire first half. He will not apologize.
5. James Harden will take way too many shots in the Rookie Game. Looking for some fame while out of the shadow of his more famous teammates, Harden will shoot 25 times. He will be the only player to score on a two-point jumper.
6. Adam Sandler will sit courtside with the co-star of his next movie, a horny chimp with really big fake boobs. His name is Smithson Gentiles and he wears a tuxedo. The movie, "Monkey Shines," will make $40 million in its opening weekend.
7. Reggie Miller will seriously talk about strategy during the Skills Challenge. He really thinks everyone should try to make the jumper.
8. Chris Bosh will debut his new viral video character, a fresh-talking wolf furry named Zelbart. The first video will debut on Vimeo, not YouTube, bringing Bosh an audience he didn't even know existed.
9. Stephen Curry will lose the Taco Bell Skills Challenge after eating way too much Fire Sauce on a dare from Russell Westbrook. Dorell Wright will clean up the mess and make a joke about how he should have gone to college, not knowing that kids always eat too much Fire Sauce during late-night runs from the dorm.
10. In the midst of an already uncomfortable sideline interview, Craig Sager will ask Jack Nicholson how he keeps up with all those 22-year-olds.
11. Amar'e Stoudemire will engage in a very elaborate handshake with Ari Emanuel. Jeremy Piven will approach both and be escorted by security back to his seat in the third row.
12. Chris Webber will have a long, very serious talk about emotions with Daniel Gibson after he loses in the Finals of the Three-Point Shootout.
13. Lenny Kravitz will sneak a few lines from his 2000 hit "Again" into his All-Star introduction performance just to see if anyone notices.
14. Tyrus Thomas will come out of retirement to win the Skills Challenge.
15. Dwight Howard will debut his new adidas Muscle Shorts. They are made out of muscle and make him stronger and for now, are totally legal. Eventually, he will be able stop working out and instead focus solely on getting his Muscle Gear to bond to his flesh.
16. When Ray Allen loses the three-point contest to Dorell Wright, someone somewhere will seriously question whether this threatens his claim on "greatest three-point shooter ever." If that person is Reggie Miller, no one will question him and the rest of us will be too busy puking to complain.
17. John Wall will out-dunk Blake Griffin in the Rookie-Sophomore Challenge. Griffin will throw more alley-oops than Tyreke Evans, and would have even if Evans had been playing. Also, Griffin will be traded to the sophomores at halftime because that's when he was drafted, and suddenly, the lead will swing. Lakers fans get ideas.
18. DeMarcus Cousins will do something notable in the Rook-Soph game, leading to a 10-minute discussion by the announcers of how crazy he is. Amar'e Stoudemire has a heart-to-heart to him that means well, but gets cut short by a craving for Chinese food.
19. Chris Paul will host a party with special guest, the Zodiac Killer. The LAPD will be too busy arresting strippers in stolen bathtubs to make the arrest. Rondo will have a knowing look on his face all weekend, even more than he already always does.
20. The blimp shaped like David Stern will be vandalized by Saudi cruise missiles possibly belonging to Michael Jordan. He will deflect future attacks with a single, withering joke. Later, it comes out that he spends the off-season training with the IDF.
21. More than once during the weekend, Kanye West will find a way of saying, on national television, that he really likes basketball a lot. He will come under fire for not liking basketball a lot, and liking it too much, and Larry King will have to come out of retirement to straighten things out.
22. No coach will employ hypnosis as a motivational tool during. Not even during the Celebrity Game., where mind control has long been the norm. That's because it began as a government experiment. The Clinton years were a really awesome time for all of us, right?
23. Madonna will survive a horrible accident. This may be a metaphor.
24. Shaquille O'Neal's memoirs will be handed out, free of charge, at the entrance to the arena each night. There are coupons inside. The cover, when separated and unfolded, turns into a barely-functioning boogie board. Shaq hides in the rafters to watch fans reading it in the pre-game. Wait, are ASG attendees really "fans"?
25. Kenny Smith will win at Monopoly. Ernie would accuse him of cheating, but Charles is too busy making a loud noise about something. Webber stops the game to talk about housing subsidies and Charles interrupts him with a folksy story about where he grew up and how stupid everyone listening to him is.
26. With time on his hands, Daryl Morey will finally figure out how to convert a trade rumor into a trade-able asset.
27. No one will pay attention to the mass-email I sent that says "we know already, In 'N Out Burger is great." I won't really be that upset about it because email is free.
28. Kobe Bryant will awkwardly dedicate something to the the free people of Egypt. Next stop: Glenn Beck's chalkboard.
29. LeBron James will refer to the East All-Stars as "the Big 12," and a bunch of 25-year-old bloggers will make fun of him for not going to college. A very important columnist will say the same thing, but very seriously.
30. God will test us. No one will notice.
The Works is written by Bethlehem Shoals (@freedarko) and Eric Freeman (@freemaneric), who also contributes regularly to Ball Don't Lie. Their Undisputed Guide to Pro Basketball History is now available.