Michael Young is the type of guy who says he doesn't mind DHing, then complains all the time when you make him DH. He's the type of guy who calls a meeting to tell everyone the past is behind him and that he won't be a distraction, then tells people he's just "making the best of a less than ideal situation" and distracts you.

As I said in his last Dugout appearance, he is Derek Jeter with two white parents, and if Blake Griffin has taught us anything, it's that you need at least one non-white parent to make sports work.

Today's Dugout Spring Training installment deals with my (three hours away) hometown Texas Rangers, who hope to defend their AL Championship by being slightly less good than everyone else, but beating the Mariners 90 times.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Texas Rangers Spring Training 2011 Chatroom!
	AllAboutTheHamiltons: "Taking a Stand Against Drug Abuse." I know who I am and I know that I want to stay healthy and happy.
	AllAboutTheHamiltons: I can stand up for myself and stick to my decision to live a drug-free life. /clutches D.A.R.E. Bear to chest
	YoungLikeAHorse: uh excuse me, I need you to stop doing that for a second and come over here and listen to me.
	AllAboutTheHamiltons: I have to say this every day, or I might-
	YoungLikeAHorse: just, just come over here and sit quietly
	YoungLikeAHorse: Nelson, could you stop taking batting practice for a minute, I need everyone to come over here and gather around me in a semi-circle
	YoungLikeAHorse: Darren, please stop candlepin bowling, I need to make a speech
	DayOh: i'm throwing a bullpen session
	YoungLikeAHorse: you're rolling the ball on the ground like a f**king toddler baby
	DayOh: but its the only way taylor can catch it
	YoungLikeAHorse: whatever. Ron, stop snorkeling that blow and get over here
	BoomBoomWashington: I'm on the phone, my wife was just in a car accident, did you actually see me standing here or just assume I was doing drugs?
	YoungLikeAHorse: I play baseball, I don't look at anyone and assume everyone is doing drugs
	YoungLikeAHorse: Anyway, I wanted to
	YoungLikeAHorse: JESUS CHRIST JOSH WOULD YOU PLEASE QUIET DOWN
	AllAboutTheHamiltons: sorry /puts down D.A.R.E. Bear, picks up wizard-shaped bong
	YoungLikeAHorse: Now, if everyone could just stand still and stare at me for several minutes, I have an announcement:
	YoungLikeAHorse: The drama of the offseason is behind us, and I'm not going to be a distraction.
	YoungLikeAHorse: I will now take questions on this statement for the next fifteen minutes. Yes, you, with the drugs
	BoomBoomWashington: /glares
	BoomBoomWashington: what brought you to this conclusion
	YoungLikeAHorse: well, let me remember... /dream sequence music
	Online Host Welcome to the Forest Around Rangers Ballpark in Arlington Chatroom!
	YoungLikeAHorse: /trudges through woods
	YesDeer: /grazes peacefully
	NolanOnTheRiver: /holds up two fingers
	YoungLikeAHorse: /stops
	NolanOnTheRiver: /raises rifle to take aim
	YoungLikeAHorse: SO HEY HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY THOUGHT TO TRADING ME OR LETTING ME PLAY THIRD BASE, BECAUSE
	Online Host YesDeer has left the chatroom.
	NolanOnTheRiver: dammit it all to hell, this is the worst hunting trip ever
	YoungLikeAHorse: Sorry, but you lied to me and manipulated me, you told me this was going to be a fishing trip.
	YoungLikeAHorse: but no seriously about DH, I reeeeeallly don't wanna, but I mean if I have to, I guess maybe I could, it is less than ideal buuuuuut
	NolanOnTheRiver: lord. Here, you don't want to DH? /raises rifle /shoots Adrian Beltre in the leg
	YourWordsBeltreYou: AHHH AHHH AHHH /collapses into brush
	NolanOnTheRiver: There, are you happy?
	YoungLikeAHorse: yes thnx