To think, this is a show that honors some of the most deranged and spoiled members of our society -- actors -- and last night's telecast was the first time a bad word had ever been uttered in its history? No wonder the shows are so boring. Even Sesame Street is more edgy these days. And, let's face it, when everyone already knows the outcome, the Oscars are just too clean, too proper and too late for the Internet generation.
Sure, there was a cute line here and there, and Anne Hathaway definitely seems like someone you want at your party, but no matter who hosts, to churn out this kind of bland mediocrity with the hopes of winning over the "been-there-done-that" generation, in this day and age, makes me want to honk.
With that in mind, here are a few suggestions on how to make next year's Oscars telecast more exciting and unpredictable, even if we all know the outcome weeks before:
1. Switch to cable. The darkest moment of the night came when the Grand Poobahs of AMPAS and ABC came parading out, hand in hand, to proudly announce another 10 years of this dreck. Void the contract with ABC and let HBO take over the broadcast. A few interruptions from a drunk Jeremy Piven should quickly do away with the "Cosby-esque" vibe once and for all.
2. Have a YouTube category. Give an Oscar for the best YouTube video. The acceptance speech by the guy who can fit his head into the exhaust pipe of an '82 El Camino would no doubt be a highlight for years to come.
3. Get the guys from "Jackass" to host. Pepper the droning acceptance speeches with scenes of Johnny Knoxville and company breaking into the stars' homes while they watch it happen live on the big screen.
4. Merge the Oscars with the Razzies. The only thing better than "Best Picture" is "Worst Picture." Legitimize the much funnier and entertaining event by partnering it with its stuffy, pompous, older brother. After all, half of Hollywood's A-list has already accepted a Razzie in person.
6. Get John Cleese to host. If you want "funny in a dress," he's your man. Cleese could make a Dane Cook concert seem funny.
Whatever they do next year, ABC and the Academy can't expect to parade a guy in a dress or hope a legend will do push-ups to save their butts. The folks behind this overhyped show of pomp and circumstance need to give us -- the audience -- as much credit as Hathaway obviously does; "Drink at home?" Classic. Miss H. definitely wins the award for "Best performance on a failing, outdated TV show."