Not 'Twilight' Crazy? Here Are Some Non-Vampire Weekend Tips

Filed under: Gut Reactions, Movie News, Exclusives

'The Twilight Saga: New Moon' opens on Friday. Of course, you already know this unless (a) you've been living under a rock or (b) you have no interest in teenage love stories centered around vampires and werewolves -- which seems like the more likely scenario considering the human mortality rate of under-rock living. (Not to mention the lack of acceptable under-rock Internet service, which would most likely preclude you from reading this in the first place.) Let's focus on this much larger second group. How do you survive in an all-'Twilight,' all-the-time world for the immediate future? How do you navigate through the throes of 'Twilight' office conversations that inevitably could leave you labeled a popular culture lightweight. These tips and options should get you through the next few days of 'Twilight' insanity:


If the person wanting to discuss 'Twilight' is under the age of 26.

This is tough. No one wants to seem old and out of touch. A huge mistake would be trying to fake your way through a conversation because anyone starting a 'Twilight' conversation is most likely going to have more than a basic knowledge of the series and you will be labeled a fraud. In other words: Offer no concrete opinions on anything. Nod your approval and add an occasional, "Wow, really?" at their in-depth analysis. When asked a direct question, quickly counter with, "You know, I've been wondering the same thing and I'm really interested in hearing YOUR opinion." Continue to nod your approval. Then, if you're feeling bold, up the ante. Explain how Twilight is so 2008 and you're more into 'The Hunger Games' and walk away (quickly).

If the person wanting to discuss 'Twilight' is 26 years old or older.

You really have the upper hand in this situation. Remember: You're not the one wanting to discuss a book series about teenage vampires. Just remind the 'Twilight' fan that, yes, in a perfect world it would be nice to be able to devote countless hours to immerse oneself in the four books series and Netflix the first film but, considering the current economic downturn, you are focusing all of your free time on your career and you suggest she do the same. Robert Pattinson may be a dreamboat but he's not going to help you become the next VP of sales. Sarcastically ask if she's going to read 'Superfudge' next. (Important note: Never admit to having a mint-in-box Boba Fett action figure displayed in your "throne room.")

What else were you really going to do tonight?

Look, it's only 2,460 pages to read through the entire four book series. Why not cozy up to the fire and bust this one out in one evening? While you're at it, you should have time to get through David Foster Wallace's 'Infinite Jest' (1,079 pages) and Bill Simmons' 'The Book of Basketball' (700 pages). This can backfire. Remember in the second season of 'Cheers' when Sam Malone read 'War and Peace' just to impress Diane who was being courted by her ex fiance, Sumner? Sam spent the entire episode trying to get Sumner to "talk a little 'War and Peace,'" something Sumner had no interest in doing. Adding insult to injury, Sam soon discovered he could have just watched the film. So, perhaps the moral of this story is: If you're going to read the entire series, make sure someone actually wants to discuss it. Most likely: They will! Though, time-wise, you may just be better off watching the first film on DVD or Blu-Ray and call it a night.

Avoid social networking sites.

These are actual Tweets:

purplerose1024: i hope new moon is gonna be as good as it looks!!!!

DrivingFail: Dear Burger King counter guy: F... you for lying to me about not having any New Moon fan packs! I saw your manager with one for his kid!

jademichelleA: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa NEW MOON!

JeanMele: buying my flannel shirt tomorrow for the new moon premiere ;) im going for the Bella look LMAO

daiseydinner: VERY excited about seeing new moon on saturday :) think i might actually join in the screaming when a certain someone comes on.. ;)

VIVA80s: DURAN DURAN - "New Moon on Monday"

(Note: That last one may or may not be related)

Don't leave the house.

Probably the soundest advice considering the onslaught of fans roaming the neighborhoods thinking they're dressed up as Edward Cullen but come off instead looking like a cross between Hal Sparks and Squiggy. Just remember: It's only for a few more days and then it's all over (well, at least until June -- really? June?! -- when The 'Twilight Saga: Eclipse' is released). Besides, there's plenty of compelling television this weekend. Can Joseph Gordon-Levitt save 'Saturday Night Live' after coming off of one of the weakest episodes in the last 10 years? (Not to jump on the "Wow, that really was bad" bandwagon, but a fart sketch actually made the air. A fart sketch! And, worst of all, January Jones couldn't stop laughing ... during a fart sketch!) Also, for all intents and purposes there's a brand new episode of 'Seinfeld' airing Sunday night on HBO. If this episode is even near as good as last week's episode of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' perhaps 'Seinfeld' fans will now, finally, have a proper finale. So, yes, we can all make it through.

Plus, this will give you the much needed time you now need to start reading 'The Hunger Games.'

Still need more 'Twilight'? Check out this MovieFone Unscripted interview that is just good enough to make you actually want to watch 'New Moon' anyway!